Not for you

When compared with my sisters mental illness, my anxiety, depression and OCD are almost non-existent.

Her illness falls in the schizophrenia range of disorders. She doesn't hear voices, but the spectrum she's in results in her not having any kind of understanding of long term consequences. She doesn't have any kind of comprehension of a life outside her own sphere of understanding. She doesn't comprehend that people aren't ready to talk to her at 7am on a Sunday. She doesn't think that calling me, or our mother, 12 times a day is unreasonable. It doesn't occur to her that I can't drop everything and drive an hour each way to deliver her cigarettes because she doesn't get paid for 3 days. Or pick her up foundation, or perfume, or whatever she needs right now but can't afford and won't be able to pay back.

There is a complete empty space in the consequences and consideration part of her mind that doesn't allow her to realise that she can't call someone every 5 minutes when she's well aware they're on another call.

The lack of understanding is no fault of hers, but it has such a huge impact on those around her. She expects that everything will be dropped for her the moment she needs something. No matter the time of day or the request, it must be done on her time and nobody else's.

And it's hard to say to her that this moment, this call, this request is too much. This time is not for her, this is mine, it belongs to me and I cannot devote it to you. She can't find the part of her that understands the need for me to say no to her for my own peace of mind, because she doesn't want to see that I have my own mental health issues that impact my ability to be a good sister, aunt, daughter, partner and friend. And her demands on me make it harder to be the things I need to be to those that are part of my circle.

I, middle child that I am, have a compulsive need to please others. My parents, friends, family, I have to be the one that's "good", easy to get along with. I don't ask for money, I don't generally ask for support, I don't need anyone to solve my problems for me, and clearly I am a tad in the control freak spectrum in my life, and my illness.

But a time comes where you need to say "this is not for you" and hang up the phone. And ignore the guilt that you know the next call is going to make life even harder for your mother.