Misogyny

For the last month Americo and I have been mainlining Joss Whedon shows. First we watched Buffy, then Firefly, now Angel.

As a good geek girl I've watched these shows multiple times, but as a 35 year old that has spent the last 5 years discovering the joy and pain of feminism, this viewing has shown me so much more than I saw as a 25 year old.

What I've seen in these shows is something that you don't see that often on TV, something that has been lost, or isn't profitable, doesn't sell toys, or comics, or t-shirts. What could it be? What does Mr Whedon see that so many others don't?

Mr Whedon sees women as people. Fully developed people. He sees their strength not just in their physical bodies, but in their courage, perseverance, their resilience. In their heartbreak and loss the women of the Whedonverse stand up and keep fighting in the face of overwhelming odds or repeated heartbreaks.

Buffy ended 10 years ago, and while the clothes are dated, the message of the show is not. Buffy remains one of the most human people I have ever seen on TV. A 15 year old with an unavoidable destiny that still finds time to be a cheerleader, to deal with the perils of dating an older man, to be there for her friends, her family, and save the world. Again and again. And never alone. The theme of friendship is one that is reinforced from beginning to end. It isn't Buffy that saves the world, it's Buffy and the Scooby gang.  A constant and changing Scooby gang of flawed characters that Buffy never gives up on, and that never give up on Buffy.

It is the faith, forgiveness, and friendship that make the show so easy to watch, and so heartbreaking to finish.

That, and the feminism. The one that isn't mentioned anywhere, but is everywhere, in every episode.

The final season when each potential slayer is given her power brought me to tears for the amazing vision of what the world could be if women took their own strength, and power, and self-belief and pulled themselves together to save the world... I want to live in that place.

"From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer, will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" ~ Buffy. (Season 7, Chosen)

A powerful weapon to destroy the forces of evil, and Buffy decides to take it's power and give it to women all over the world to help them to fight. To stand up and be strong. That message, for me, is the pure heart of feminism, without once mentioning feminism.

As we watch our way through the Whedonverse I can't help but contemplate on the nature of misogyny, and it's slightly less systematic sister, sexism.

I see, and experience, sexism every day. From the insurance company that automatically makes me a "Mrs" after being asked to add my husband to the policy, to being called a "cunt" on twitter for having the audacity to express an opinion, to being called a lesbian for refusing to take my husbands last name. These are all things that women live with every day.

Not to mention the 600+ laws that were passed in various different countries around the world that allow the government to control what a woman does with her own body.

The big things like choice bug me, but it's the small things that get dismissed that really bug the every living daylights out of me.

It's the dude that stands up and says how much he loves women, he's married you see, and he loves his mum and his lovely daughters, so how could you possibly think that he's sexist? Well, Mr Prime Minister, you want to restrict a woman's right to choose and you said abortion was the "easy way out" so you can understand why we think you're a bit sexist.

Or there's the guy that proclaimed to the internet how he doesn't ever tolerate his fans attacking people with misogyny. Don't you call that woman a "cunt" you bad people,  but please, please ignore when my friends objectify and belittle women every day on their twitter feed and podcasts.

When they flash a fan's breasts all over their twitter feed it's because they're appreciating women, not objectifying them. When they undertake auditions to add a woman to their all dude show they don't take any of the very talented women, but they do offer the consolation prize of allowing the ladies to come in and flash tits to please the men if they so choose. But don't get mad, feminazi's, it's a joke. C'mon ladies have a sense of humour.

It's the hypocrisy of saying "but look at how much I love women" while ignoring the utterly sexist way in which they present themselves to the world at large.

The promotion and support of misogyny, whether it is yourself, or your friends, or you political party, is, in itself, misogyny.

When you stand by and allow your colleagues and friends to speak of women in a negative, exploitive, or belittling way, without stopping and saying "hey, that's not cool" you are being sexist. It is, essentially, a lie of omission. You're not being sexist, as such, but you are allowing sexism through your lack of action.

"But it wasn't me!!" they exclaim, and true enough, you didn't do it, you didn't say it, how can I blame you for your inaction. You're clearly not as bad as the person that said it, obviously.

Except, to me, you are. You're the guy that walks past a guy beating up on a girl and doesn't do anything because it's none of your business. It is your business. Sexism is everyone's business.

Joss Whedon, when asked why he keeps writing strong women, said:

George R.R. Martin, when asked about writing women said, perhaps the smartest shit on the planet:

Neil Gaiman was asked to reflect on Buffy recently and was asked about writing strong women, he said:

"I think the big thing to point out to people is, you know, possibly they should go and hang around with some women. And also, it's worth point out that people, unfortunately, misunderstand the phrase 'strong women'. The glory of Buffy is it was filled with strong women. Only one of those strong women had supernatural strength and an awful lot of sharpened stakes. And people sort of go 'well yes, of course Buffy was a strong woman. She could kick her way through a door'. And you go 'no, well, that's not actually what makes her a strong woman! you're missing the point. 

These are amazing authors seem like they don't just say these things, the live it.

Game of Thrones, by the nature of the world that it is created in, has moments of sexism, but it also have really gritty kick ass women. The mother of dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark, even Cersei Lannister in all her cruel manipulations has fire, courage, intelligence and strength that outshine her evilness.

Neil Gaimen's stories contain women of determination and humanity, and when he speaks of women in public it is with respect and decency.

Joss Whedon writes, what I would argue, are the most well rounded, fully developed, true women that have ever been on TV. Or in a movie, for that matter (though I suppose you could argue that Serenity is just an extension of a TV show). And if you google Joss Whedon speaking about women you can enjoy a great youtube of him speaking out about why chicks are super great.

Another example of dudes that do it right, is Sir Patrick Stewart. The true definition of a gentleman, with a slew of youtube clips of him demonstrating what a man should be, and how he should treat women.

These men don't just say that they support women, they prove it, day in, day out. In word and deed.

Now, obviously I don't know them, but from what I've seen around the internet, they seem to understand that supporting women isn't just a thing you blog about, its something you live every day. It's something you notice, something you see around you, not just on occasion, but all the time.

The characters they write are an example of what a woman can be, something for little girls to aspire to, someone that teaches you that you can be anything you want to be.


We're on season 3 Angel now, and we just watched an episode where a kid with demon blood was able to influence mean to display the deep dark misogynistic part of their souls and with that evil dark part of them brought to the surface the men tormented and murdered women.

It was with an incredible delicacy that the writers, Tim Minear and Jeffery Bell, tackled the cliches of sexism that are so prevalent in the modern world.

"I don't hate women. I mean, sure, you're all whores who sell yourselves for money or prestige, but men are just as bad. Maybe even worse. They're willing to throw away careers or families or even lives for what's under your skirt"

And while under the influence Wesley utters the always awful

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes" "Nothing, you've already told her twice".

As Fred walks away he mutters the always popular "no sense of humour".

At the end of the episode Wesley faces his fear that the behaviour is in him somewhere, that he has the capacity to be that guy. Fred comforts him and says "It wasn't something in you, Wesley. It was something that was done to you".

That's really what it's all about, at the end of the day, isn't it? Misogyny, sexism, it's not something you're born with, it's something that is done to you.

As you grow up in the world you see the casual stuff that is everywhere that reduces women down to nothing but a body to sell a car, or deodorant, or sunglasses, or jeans. You get the message from government, from movies, TV, magazines, that women aren't equal to men. You see male politicians allowed to refer to female politicians as "small breasts, large thighs, and a big red box" without any real consequence. There are hundreds of articles about how the Australian Governer-General dresses, and very few about what she's done while in that role. There were special editions of dozens of magazines talking about how Julia Gillard or Hillary Clinton dressed, but I've not seen any features about Tony Abbott's wardrobe or favourite nail colour.

Every day of our lives we are conditioned to accept sexism, and so few have the self awareness to step out of that behaviour, and call out that behaviour in others.

I'm not sure the point of this blog is. It went somewhere that I wasn't expecting it to go.

I guess the upshot is... wouldn't you like to see the world the way Joss Whedon does? Isn't that a better place than the way you see it now?

You can make it happen you know, we all can.

Lucky 13

2013 has been a long year, and for the most part not a good one.

Work has been a struggle for me this year, with a boss who doesn't understand me, or the work I do. That has been a challenge that I had to work through, and if I'm being honest with myself one I did not face as well as I could have. There was screeching, of which I'm ashamed. December, however, brought what I hope is good news on the work front for 2014. Only time will tell.

On a personal level I've also struggled. My anxiety has been up and down this year and there has been times where my depression has gotten the best of me, I'm not very proud of how I handled myself during those times either. This too has ended with a good note, that I have been mostly anxiety free during December, after reaching peak nut case in the last week of November.

I'm also not proud of my emotional eating, which happened far too often, or that I didn't take the time to exercise more often this year, particularly when I know full well that exercise helps a lot with my mental well being. With Americo here we are both committed to a healthier 2014 with far less cake, cookies, and far more exercise. Together we're going to face my lack of willpower and motivation head on and work hard at being our best selves.

The end of 2013 brings with it the luck I always find in 13's.

2013 found Americo and I applying for a prospective marriage visa. I had finally managed to get enough into saving, and paid off over half of my personal debt, and with a heart full of fear I spent a month gathering paperwork to send to Americo and fronted over $2000 for the application fee.

Each step in the journey seemed to take forever, though as it turns out that 'forever' was just shy of 4 months from start to the notification of approval and then a mere 3 weeks from approval to landing in Australia.

We waited as the 'overnight' courier took a week to deliver the paperwork. Then another few weeks to organise certified documents. Then waiting to hear from the case officer. Then waiting for the medical. Then waiting for the FBI character check, which took longer than it should have because the US government SHUT DOWN.

And then it arrived. Woken up at 6.30 on a day off to be told I would be getting a husband for Christmas was so emotional I will never be able to articulate the joy and elation.

It feels like he has been here forever, but it is only 4 weeks ago tomorrow that I reached peak nut case on the day I picked Americo up from Sydney. A sleepless night. An anxious drive. A more anxious half hour wait at the airport before I saw him walking down the ramp with 3 impossibly large suitcases in tow. A fit of tears later and I managed to compose myself enough to appreciate that we had made it half way through our visa journey.

The first, and hardest part of the work was done, and we could get married and spend this, our first real Christmas together.

Since that day we have, in fact, gotten married, and of course shared that marriage with the world, which of course was the logical end to a relationship that was so much based on the internet.

And today we are spending Christmas eve together watching awful awful violent Christmas movies, and building the traditions that we'll pass onto our child(ren).

Baking snickerdoodles last night, something I used to do with my mother when we lived in the US, I could imagine doing that with my own daughter when she's old enough.

Watching Home Alone, a movie my baby brother always loved to watch, I can picture sitting in bed with our kid watching this horrible destructive brat of a child physically assault grown-ups, something a kid should learn at a young age.

Tomorrow I get to wake up, on Christmas day, with my husband. My husband I had to wait 6 long years for, and I get to say merry Christmas and not open any presents because I made him given them to me early. He doesn't get to open presents either, to be fair, because he got his early as well (PS4 bitches).

We're going to make food together, and watch Miracle on 34th Street, and eat pancakes and cookies. We're going to do it together in our apartment, on our couch, as husband and wife.

2013 will always be our lucky year. A year in which we learned to appreciate our wonderful friends more than ever. A year in which we learned to value our family and what they give us in support and also in the traditions that will become part of our own family. In which we learned to be more patient and take the small moments for the miracle they are.

 Apparently I've also become even more of a shmultzy mess than I've been previously. For your sake I hope I get over that pretty soon, I'm making myself pretty ill, I can only imagine how you feel.

The book of love

For six years and four months I have loved Americo. Truth be told I have probably loved him longer, but we celebrate our anniversary on August 16th, and so today is six years and four months from the day we "officially" became a thing. An undefinable, complicated, long distance thing. 

For most of that time we have considered ourselves to be married, in the emotional commitment sense at least. It didn't matter to us whether the government or anyone else considered us married, we were as committed to each other as two people could be.

Today we made that official official. It was small (tiny really), but for us it was perfect. It was a warm but not hot. It was breezy, but not windy. In the dappled shade of the large oak trees at the Yarralumla gallery and cafe it was just divine.

It was a quick ceremony, with personal vows, that were very us and utterly perfect. For those of you that have followed our journey we didn't want you to miss out on our special day, so here are some photos and the text of our vows to each other.

 Americo's vows to Ruth

A vow is a promise, an oath. Sadly, there's nothing I can vow to say that I haven't vowed, or promised, or oathed (not a word) to you a thousand times before. In fact, o the day we are finally getting married, I can't promise you anything. I mean, I promised you we would be together, and here we are. I promised you I would love you forever, and six years in, I do, more and more every day. I promised you this day would come, and look, here it is. From here on out, the only thing I can really promise you is that whatever we face, whatever comes, we'll see it through together.  

But vows are something else as well. They're declarations. A shout into the ether that you believe something so earnestly regardless of who hears it. Normally declarations get lost in my ramblings, or scribbled in some notepad, or dismissed on social media. So hopefully here, no, they don't get so lost.  

Ruth, I love you. In all possible meanings and translations that that word has gone through, I do love you. From the moment I met you, I knew you were the one for me. I hope that each day from then, to now, to all the years ahead of us that I earn that love. You challenge me to be better in every way. You are my Yoda, my Wonder Woman. You are my Doctor. And I am looking forward to getting timey-wimey and spacey-wacy with you. 

With a little bit of wibbly-wobbly thrown in. 

Ruth's vows to Americo

Once, a long time ago, you wrote:

"Love isn't a movie, a book, a picture or a poem. Love is you, love me is, together we're in love. 

I didn't just fall in love with you, I've always loved you, I just had to find you first. " 

I'm so very glad you kept looking til you found me. 

From the day we first talked It was like I had known you, and loved you,  forever. 

You understand me in ways that nobody else had. 

You understand my crazy isnt really crazy, its just needed your patience to help me through the bad days. 

You understand that I'm passionate about my job, and sometimes it means working weekends and when I'm on holiday. You always keep me company instead of complaining. 

You understand that you aren't allowed to reorganise my kitchen. Or my linen cupboard. And I understood I needed to buy you a PS4 in order to convince you to move to Australia.  

I love that you love me enough to watch renovation shows and MasterChef. I love that I love you enough to watch Doctor Who and Lost. I love that we agree that Matt Smith just isn't quite the Doctor and the smoke monster was pretty stupid.  

I love that you're a feminist. 

I love that you think space is awesome. 

I love how you love movies, even the really bad ones. 

Especially the really bad ones.  

I love that you like cooking and that you can't drink hot coffee because it puts you to sleep. 

I love that you stuck around for 6 years, and 4 months until we figured out how to make this one country thing work, even when it was really really hard.  

I thank you for the thousands of hours tied to a headset. For the amazing airport reunions, and the heartbreaking departures. For the cards, letters and poems that were a constant reminder you loved me. 

For every holiday, apart and together. For never giving up. And for never letting me give up. 

Everything I am, everything I have learned in the last 6 years, every success I have had, it has been because you supported me. You held my hand (more figuratively, than literally) and told me I could do anything, and I did, because I believed you.  

To me, you have been my husband since the day you told me you were going to marry me so many years ago. Today you become my husband to the government and the rest of the world. And most importantly to the department of immigration.  

I am blessed to be your wife, and I promise I will love you more than coffee, cheesecake, and Eddie Vender, I sincerely promise that I will love you more very day, and I also swear, with every part of my soul, that I won't make you watch the Fast and the Furious movies more than once a year. 

For my husband... I told you today how much I love you, and I promise I will continue to tell you every day how much I value you and our relationship. And I swear that from now on I'll quit blogging our life. 


For those of you that couldn't be with us today... you were missed. Sometime in the future when we have our life sorted out we'll do a "proper" wedding when all of our friends and family can be part of the day. We both hope the photos make up for that a little bit. 

Love, Actually