Dear society,
I'm mad at you. I was mad at you when I wrote the last post, I'm more mad at you now.
Email went out today about my name change. It was pretty straight forward, it made it VERY clear that Ruth was my first name, Fiona was my last name. You'd think it would be a pretty easy concept to understand when it's spelled out for you.
Still, of course, I got emails "congratulations Fiona". I can ignore that, it's what you get for having basically two first names.
What I also got though was many, and I mean many, "Congratulations! When did you get married?!" emails.
Now, my first thing is that surely etiquette says you don't ask the question unless you know for sure that there's been a marriage.
My second thing is fuck your assumptions.
When advised that there was no marriage, the next question was "so why did you change your name".
Because fuck you, that's why.
It's none of your fucking business.
I get that I work with you day in and out, spend more time with you than my family, but it's still none of your damn business.
I made the mistake of letting ONE person know why, to the instant "so you're a lesbian now" joke.
Is this really where we're at?
In 2012 we're still here? That a name change must be about a father or a husband and not personal choice? That if you change your name for your own choice you're a lesbian? This is how far we've come in the battle for equality?
Fuck you, society. You're supposed to be better than this. I deserve better than this. All our daughters deserve better than this.
Shape up.
You suck,
Ruth.
Monday, 30 January 2012
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Choice
I changed my name today.
I did it because I wanted to. There were other reasons, but essentially it came down to that, because I want to.
I didn't make a mind blowing change. I didn't change it to "Ninja" or "Astro Boy" or "World Peace", I just made my middle name my last name. Because why not? It's my name.
For reasons beyond my comprehension there are people that seem to find this offensive.
The man at the counter when I lodged my application couldn't get his tiny mind past the idea that there are reasons for changing your name other than getting married or divorced. He asked three times when my marriage was/where my marriage was. Despite the fact I said, VERY CLEARLY, that my name was not related to a marriage or divorce.
The man was so offended that he even asked his supervisor if my reason was valid. Bless her heart she said "she can change her name for whatever reason she wants as long as it's not to someone illegal". That sorted, the gentleman was rude to me for the rest of the transaction.
Boggled as I was I didn't get involved with his nonsense, paid my money, got an agreement I could come back in the morning to get my certificate and went on about my day comforted by the fact that my wonderful friends were supportive and very kind about the change.
And I got to work and for the most part people were supportive, but a couple of women in the office, women I like, thought that my reason for changing my name was a direct attack on them. This also boggled me.
I change my name because I thought it was time for me to no longer identify myself with a name that came from a man. That was my decision and impacts me alone. I changed my name when I got married because I didn't identify with my fathers name, so I took my husbands. And I joked pretty constantly after my divorce that I kept my ex's name because I had a better relationship with him than with my father, so I kept my married name (also because it is time consuming and EXPENSIVE to change your name).
But a time came when I was confident in myself, my strength, my place in the world, my relationship with my fiancé, my relationship with my family, and my career and I decided I was ready to be just me. And that's what suits me.
When I decided to change my name to reflect, in part, that I feel very strongly about women being slapped with a mans name, that view didn't come with the idea that it should impact beyond just me.
I don't want all the women in the world to change their names because I feel strongly about this. I don't judge women that keep their maiden name. I don't judge women that take their husbands names. That choice is the right choice for them, and I respect it because they're making a choice. And that choice is what feminism boils down to. What equality means.
Being equal means that you have choice. I have the choice to change my name without society having an apoplexy.
I have the right for that name change to cost the same as a name change for someone who is getting married or divorced, be it free, or at a cost, because a name change should have equal status across the board. There shouldn't be a built in bias for women getting married to change their name to their husbands name because they can do it for free from their license, to their passport, to the cost of the name change itself. A name change is a name change, the reason shouldn't matter. Because the choice to change your name is personal, and the government shouldn't have a bias, even a cost bias when something is a personal choice.
Choices are not things that go beyond yourself. Choice is entirely something you do on your own.
A name change, a marriage, divorce, abortion, birth control, adoption, these are things that a single person of their own sane mind should be able to choose.
Where you go, who you go with, what you wear, who you leave with, these are your own free choices and should not come with risks like sexual assault, abuse, and rape.
I don't judge women or men for keeping or changing their name, or for making choices that wouldn't suit me personally because I don't want them to judge me when I make those choices.
And because I respect their right to make those choices on their own without society pushing them to go a certain way. Or politicians forcing them to go a certain way because that politician is pushing a religious agenda.
As people in this world we are born with nothing but what other people give us. Our opinions and thoughts as we grow and develop are those that are imprinted on us by parents, teachers and friends.
It takes a long time to come to a point where you can stand up and know that you are saying something or doing something that comes truly from inside yourself because of your own strength and conviction. And those decisions and actions should be celebrated because choice should be celebrated.
I am whoever I say I am, and right now I say that I'm Ruth Fiona and if you don't like it, well, honestly it's none of your fucking business.
I did it because I wanted to. There were other reasons, but essentially it came down to that, because I want to.
I didn't make a mind blowing change. I didn't change it to "Ninja" or "Astro Boy" or "World Peace", I just made my middle name my last name. Because why not? It's my name.
For reasons beyond my comprehension there are people that seem to find this offensive.
The man at the counter when I lodged my application couldn't get his tiny mind past the idea that there are reasons for changing your name other than getting married or divorced. He asked three times when my marriage was/where my marriage was. Despite the fact I said, VERY CLEARLY, that my name was not related to a marriage or divorce.
The man was so offended that he even asked his supervisor if my reason was valid. Bless her heart she said "she can change her name for whatever reason she wants as long as it's not to someone illegal". That sorted, the gentleman was rude to me for the rest of the transaction.
Boggled as I was I didn't get involved with his nonsense, paid my money, got an agreement I could come back in the morning to get my certificate and went on about my day comforted by the fact that my wonderful friends were supportive and very kind about the change.
And I got to work and for the most part people were supportive, but a couple of women in the office, women I like, thought that my reason for changing my name was a direct attack on them. This also boggled me.
I change my name because I thought it was time for me to no longer identify myself with a name that came from a man. That was my decision and impacts me alone. I changed my name when I got married because I didn't identify with my fathers name, so I took my husbands. And I joked pretty constantly after my divorce that I kept my ex's name because I had a better relationship with him than with my father, so I kept my married name (also because it is time consuming and EXPENSIVE to change your name).
But a time came when I was confident in myself, my strength, my place in the world, my relationship with my fiancé, my relationship with my family, and my career and I decided I was ready to be just me. And that's what suits me.
When I decided to change my name to reflect, in part, that I feel very strongly about women being slapped with a mans name, that view didn't come with the idea that it should impact beyond just me.
I don't want all the women in the world to change their names because I feel strongly about this. I don't judge women that keep their maiden name. I don't judge women that take their husbands names. That choice is the right choice for them, and I respect it because they're making a choice. And that choice is what feminism boils down to. What equality means.
Being equal means that you have choice. I have the choice to change my name without society having an apoplexy.
I have the right for that name change to cost the same as a name change for someone who is getting married or divorced, be it free, or at a cost, because a name change should have equal status across the board. There shouldn't be a built in bias for women getting married to change their name to their husbands name because they can do it for free from their license, to their passport, to the cost of the name change itself. A name change is a name change, the reason shouldn't matter. Because the choice to change your name is personal, and the government shouldn't have a bias, even a cost bias when something is a personal choice.
Choices are not things that go beyond yourself. Choice is entirely something you do on your own.
A name change, a marriage, divorce, abortion, birth control, adoption, these are things that a single person of their own sane mind should be able to choose.
Where you go, who you go with, what you wear, who you leave with, these are your own free choices and should not come with risks like sexual assault, abuse, and rape.
I don't judge women or men for keeping or changing their name, or for making choices that wouldn't suit me personally because I don't want them to judge me when I make those choices.
And because I respect their right to make those choices on their own without society pushing them to go a certain way. Or politicians forcing them to go a certain way because that politician is pushing a religious agenda.
As people in this world we are born with nothing but what other people give us. Our opinions and thoughts as we grow and develop are those that are imprinted on us by parents, teachers and friends.
It takes a long time to come to a point where you can stand up and know that you are saying something or doing something that comes truly from inside yourself because of your own strength and conviction. And those decisions and actions should be celebrated because choice should be celebrated.
I am whoever I say I am, and right now I say that I'm Ruth Fiona and if you don't like it, well, honestly it's none of your fucking business.
Friday, 20 January 2012
Storm in a Teacup
Alternative titles:
"How you're misunderstanding my point"
"The man-hating feminazi is talking again"
"TL;DR"
"Men Aren't Funny EVER"
On occasion, though not regularly, I listen to a podcast that you can find on the S.I.R (Smodcast Internet Radio) network, called Tell'Em Steve Dave (TESD). I don't listen all the time because there's about 20 podcasts I love and I just don't have the time to listen to them all, so I triage and listen to random episodes of various things.
I listen to TESD because I like Kevin Smith and Kevin Smith likes these guys, so they must be alright.
Some of the folks from the TESD podcast are soon to be seen on American TV, in a show called Comic Book Men, which is a reality show about the goings on in a comic book shop called the Secret Stash. The Stash, as nerds call it, is owned (in part, I think, I don't know the business model) by Kevin Smith and is a bit of a Mecca for the fans of Mr Smith and his various movies. It sells comics and quality merch and has various movie props and such things. It's also where the podcast is recorded. I haven't been there personally, but I hear tell it's excellent. As a fan of both comics and merch I give the Stash a big two thumbs up.
Since the talk of the reality TV show has been flying around the internet there has been some talk about the lack of women in the show, and the fact there are no women starring in the show. Which has included some broader talk about how sexist the comic book industry is generally.
I would like to start my response by clearly stating a few of my own personal views:
1. Do I think that the title of the show is sexist?
To some extent, but it's not so sexist when considered on its own that I'd make a fuss about it. It's exclusionary, but to be fair it's a show about comic book men, and I really don't think the guys starring in the show have any say about the title so if I'm going to get annoyed about it I'll send a letter to AMC.
2. Do I think only starring guys is sexist?
To some extent, but like the title I don't really think that it's so much of an issue that I'd make a fuss on this alone. Auditions were held to have a women added to the show, and the decision was made that someone extra wouldn't fit in. That makes total sense to me. The guys running the shop and starring in the show have been friends for 20+ years and they have a chemistry. Adding someone new, male, female, alien would have messed up the dynamic. I get it, I really do. And as the guys from TESD have pointed out, it would have been pandering and it probably just wouldn't have worked. So I get it. There's going to be girls (customers) in the show, so it's not like they're going to just pretend that women don't exist anywhere in the world of comics.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d like to see more women in comic book stores, I’d like to see better representation of women as more than semi naked side-kicks and girlfriends in comics (in general, yes, there are some already, I want to see more), and I’d like to see more women in comic book stores so I wasn’t always dismissed as someone’s girlfriend when I buy comics, but I don’t think this show is the way to push that agenda if it’s not going to be natural, and it will ruin the existing dynamic of the guys running the shop.
So, let’s get down to what my issue is. And it isn't so much about the TV show, it's about the podcast, but the TV show was discussed on the latest episode of the podcast, episode 96 (available here http://smodcast.com/channels/tell-em-steve-dave/) and discussion of the TV show, and an online article about the TV show (available here http://www.newsarama.com/tv/hey-thats-my-cape-comic-book-men-120105.html) are why I'm a bit irked with the fellas from TESD.
These are my main reasons, in no particular order:
1. The author of the article, and another woman that auditioned for the show, were referred to as "cute". There was no discussion of their auditions, their geek cred, their love of comics, or their intelligence, they were just "cute". To be totally fair, one of the gentlemen did jump in at one point in the podcast and say "why is that relevant?". Why is it relevant? Referring to someone as cute, without any discussion of their merit outside of their looks is dismissive. As the conversation progressed it was added that nobody wants to see a hag on TV. The point was well made that the gentlemen that are going to be on TV aren't exactly male models (I'm paraphrasing all of this because I don’t want to re-listen to get exact quotes), and here comes the kicker. The reason I won’t re-listen and get exact quotes, "it's different for men". Yup...there you have it. If you want to be on TV, and you're a woman, you've got to be hot. No hags allowed.
2. This is, again, a paraphrase, but if you listen to the podcast you're going to find out that women aren't funny. None of them. "You don't find any women funny" "No". That's how it went. Now, let's say the opposite of that. I don't find any men funny. Not a one. I've met all the men in the world so I can say that with authority. It's not like Dane Cook and Kevin Smith have totally different comedic styles. No men, anywhere, ever, have ever been funny. It just doesn’t happen. Their jokes are all about how women nag and balls are uncomfortable and women be shopping. Amirite, ladies?
Sarcasm out of the way, Tina Fey and Roseanne are not the same. Their comedy is totally different. They’re both women, they both work in comedy, but they’re not the same. Sara Benincasa, one of my personal favourite “chicks that are funny” is totally different from Tina Fey or Roseanne.
Women are different. They’re not all the same. Their comedy routines are not all about being on the rag and how dumb men are. Sometimes they talk about those things to be sure, because menstruating, as a topic can make for some serious funny. I don't find Dane Cook’s oh so humorous observations about banging hookers with his mighty chainsaw like penis funny, but that doesn't mean I don't find any men funny. You can’t say all dudes aren’t funny just because Dane Cook isn’t funny, just as you can’t say all chicks aren’t funny because you don’t find Sarah Silverman funny.
Until you’ve met all the women in the world, you’re just going to have to not say that. Ever.
3. ‘If she wants to come in and show us her tits we’ll be here for the next two weeks”. I think that’s pretty close to the quote. But you know, it was a joke that came down to “olol show as your boobs lady”. Joke it was, I read the tone, I’m not stupid, I get that it was intended as funny.
But it wasn’t.
Jokes like this make women nothing but boobs, ass, legs. We’re more than that. The ladies that auditioned are more than that. The article that Jill wrote was smart and funny. And while I see that you could, if you were so inclined, to dismiss her as bitter for not being cast, that doesn’t mean she isn’t smart, and isn’t funny. I’ve read her articles, she’s both smart and funny. And has some hardcore geek cred. To limit her to a set of tits...come on dudes, it’s lazy.
So that’s the crux of it.
I have no issue with the name of the show when considered in isolation. I have no problems with the lack of female stars in the show when considered in isolation. But I have a problem with both those things when considered with the things that were said on episode 96 of the podcast, which leads to a troubling level of sexism and misogynistic language directed at women.
And that’s not even taking into consideration the very troubling behaviour of some of the TESD fans in reaction to this controversy. Which I understand cannot be controlled by the members of TESD and I don’t hold them responsible for that behaviour. I do think, however, that the lack of clarification of their position (which really needs to be longer than 140 characters) has resulted in some of their fans thinking they have free reign to bully and abuse women, because they perceive that is what the fine gentlemen of TESD would want them to do. I think that perception is incorrect, but I’m just a girl, what do I know.
A few disclaimers to wrap this up:
I am only speaking for myself. This whole response is my opinion and my opinion alone. I do not speak for my gender. I speak for myself.
I do not think that all members of the TESD are sexist. I do not know the members of TESD and I cannot speak to their attitudes towards women other than what I’ve heard via their podcast. I have no personal problem with any of the members of TESD and have no personal opinion about them as people since I’ve never met them.
I understand apologies have been made by Walt and Q via twitter and I have the greatest respect for the guts it takes to do that so publicly. Thumbs up.
Yes, I do understand I have a comma problem.
Please feel free to direct your disagreements to me, and me alone, via the comments or to my twitter @Ruthico . Though, if you're going to just say I'm a man hating lesbian maybe try and find a more original way of saying that, because it's kind of dull at this point.
Oh and hey, I took some nice pictures a year ago, take some time to check them out if you're here anyway.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Time Travel
For me, music is memory. I hear a certain song and it takes me to a time, a place, a moment that is special to me.
I hear Rossini's William Tell Overture and I'm at my fathers old house, listening to a crackling fire, drinking hot, sweet, milky tea, and listening to dad read me and Yolande the Hobbit with all the voices.
I hear Peter Paul and Mary and I'm on one of hundreds of long car trips with mum and Davy going to Melbourne, or Sydney, or Brisbane, or driving across America listening to Davy sing along to every song.
Because of this attachment to music, which I'm sure is genetic, the gift that Americo got me for Christmas this year is probably the best gift I've ever been given. He made me a mix tape. Of all the songs that are "us". Our Rockband favourites, the ones that we'd hear in the car when we were driving around San Francisco or from Sydney to Canberra after a long plane flight, or the ones that just remind us of each other. Every moment of our four and a half years together, all on one USB drive.
I went for a long drive today and listened to all the song and it was like he wasn't 12,000km away, it was like he was in the car with me. I could smell the Cool Water and feel his hand on my leg and every song was perfect.
And since they're all in my head, a list, and some of my favourite memories:
Hey there Delilah - Plain White Tee's
It was probably near midnight on a Sunday night and I'd been called into work to do some testing. And the road was empty and it was cold and this song came on the radio and it just reminded me of him. We didn't know where we were going, friends, something more, was it too soon after my divorce, was the long distance too tough, but in that moment, listening to that song, I thought of nothing but him. And that was that, all the questions were irrelevant, we'd make it work.
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Just one of those songs, it was probably the lyrics, but we just loved it. The lyrics reminded him of me. And it just become special over time.
California Love - Dr Dre Tupak
Obviously.
Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry
So ridiculous. For a week on my first trip to San Francisco he had this song stuck in his head and had no idea what it was or who did it. Then we were in a winery in Napa and they were playing it in the background and we were both singing along with it trying to remember the name of the song. It was a great moment.
Sweet Child O'Mine - Guns'N'Roses
Once upon a time I was telling Americo about a crush I had when I was 14. This crush, wannabe poet and bad boy, gave me a love note once that was the lyrics to Sweet Child and Americo thought that was pretty pathetic. And so, he rewrote Sweet Child with new lyrics, just for me. It's somewhere in my house on a piece of paper, but I can't find it.
I'm Afraid of Americans - Bowie
Ha!
Piano Man - Billy Joel
Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
ABC - Jackson 5
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
our favourite Rockband songs. Some mornings when I was in SF we would wake up, before even coffee, and start playing, singing our throats sore.
Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons
Every time we got in a car in San Francisco EVERY TIME this song was on the radio. And we'd sing along like idiots.
New York Minute - The Eagles
From the West Wing episode Somebodies Going to Emergency, Somebodies Going to Jail, one of my favourite episodes of my favourite show. We've watched it together a few times, and watched it apart a few times. Just this Christmas I started watching it, and was a couple of episodes into season 1, and then he decided he wanted to watch it too. So I spent whole days half watching where I was up to, and more time listening to the episode he was watching. And we'd talk about politics, and the characters, and science, and language and just talk for hours. About everything. And it was perfect. He's my Toby, my amazing writer.
Land Down Under - Men at Work
He taunts me with this song. Constantly.
And dozens and dozens of other songs that were moments of our lives that are precious and wonderful and just make me love him so much that he would sit down and think of these songs that mean so much to us.
Thank you, love, it means so much that you know me "us" so well. And that you know me so well that you knew I'd love this.
Now every time I get into the car instead of listening to a shitty radio show with sexist hosts and bad music I get to remember all the great moments we've had together. And I'll probably be far less cranky at work.
I hear Rossini's William Tell Overture and I'm at my fathers old house, listening to a crackling fire, drinking hot, sweet, milky tea, and listening to dad read me and Yolande the Hobbit with all the voices.
I hear Peter Paul and Mary and I'm on one of hundreds of long car trips with mum and Davy going to Melbourne, or Sydney, or Brisbane, or driving across America listening to Davy sing along to every song.
Because of this attachment to music, which I'm sure is genetic, the gift that Americo got me for Christmas this year is probably the best gift I've ever been given. He made me a mix tape. Of all the songs that are "us". Our Rockband favourites, the ones that we'd hear in the car when we were driving around San Francisco or from Sydney to Canberra after a long plane flight, or the ones that just remind us of each other. Every moment of our four and a half years together, all on one USB drive.
I went for a long drive today and listened to all the song and it was like he wasn't 12,000km away, it was like he was in the car with me. I could smell the Cool Water and feel his hand on my leg and every song was perfect.
And since they're all in my head, a list, and some of my favourite memories:
Hey there Delilah - Plain White Tee's
It was probably near midnight on a Sunday night and I'd been called into work to do some testing. And the road was empty and it was cold and this song came on the radio and it just reminded me of him. We didn't know where we were going, friends, something more, was it too soon after my divorce, was the long distance too tough, but in that moment, listening to that song, I thought of nothing but him. And that was that, all the questions were irrelevant, we'd make it work.
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Just one of those songs, it was probably the lyrics, but we just loved it. The lyrics reminded him of me. And it just become special over time.
California Love - Dr Dre Tupak
Obviously.
Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry
So ridiculous. For a week on my first trip to San Francisco he had this song stuck in his head and had no idea what it was or who did it. Then we were in a winery in Napa and they were playing it in the background and we were both singing along with it trying to remember the name of the song. It was a great moment.
Sweet Child O'Mine - Guns'N'Roses
Once upon a time I was telling Americo about a crush I had when I was 14. This crush, wannabe poet and bad boy, gave me a love note once that was the lyrics to Sweet Child and Americo thought that was pretty pathetic. And so, he rewrote Sweet Child with new lyrics, just for me. It's somewhere in my house on a piece of paper, but I can't find it.
I'm Afraid of Americans - Bowie
Ha!
Piano Man - Billy Joel
Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
ABC - Jackson 5
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
our favourite Rockband songs. Some mornings when I was in SF we would wake up, before even coffee, and start playing, singing our throats sore.
Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons
Every time we got in a car in San Francisco EVERY TIME this song was on the radio. And we'd sing along like idiots.
New York Minute - The Eagles
From the West Wing episode Somebodies Going to Emergency, Somebodies Going to Jail, one of my favourite episodes of my favourite show. We've watched it together a few times, and watched it apart a few times. Just this Christmas I started watching it, and was a couple of episodes into season 1, and then he decided he wanted to watch it too. So I spent whole days half watching where I was up to, and more time listening to the episode he was watching. And we'd talk about politics, and the characters, and science, and language and just talk for hours. About everything. And it was perfect. He's my Toby, my amazing writer.
Land Down Under - Men at Work
He taunts me with this song. Constantly.
And dozens and dozens of other songs that were moments of our lives that are precious and wonderful and just make me love him so much that he would sit down and think of these songs that mean so much to us.
Thank you, love, it means so much that you know me "us" so well. And that you know me so well that you knew I'd love this.
Now every time I get into the car instead of listening to a shitty radio show with sexist hosts and bad music I get to remember all the great moments we've had together. And I'll probably be far less cranky at work.
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