Misogyny

For the last month Americo and I have been mainlining Joss Whedon shows. First we watched Buffy, then Firefly, now Angel.

As a good geek girl I've watched these shows multiple times, but as a 35 year old that has spent the last 5 years discovering the joy and pain of feminism, this viewing has shown me so much more than I saw as a 25 year old.

What I've seen in these shows is something that you don't see that often on TV, something that has been lost, or isn't profitable, doesn't sell toys, or comics, or t-shirts. What could it be? What does Mr Whedon see that so many others don't?

Mr Whedon sees women as people. Fully developed people. He sees their strength not just in their physical bodies, but in their courage, perseverance, their resilience. In their heartbreak and loss the women of the Whedonverse stand up and keep fighting in the face of overwhelming odds or repeated heartbreaks.

Buffy ended 10 years ago, and while the clothes are dated, the message of the show is not. Buffy remains one of the most human people I have ever seen on TV. A 15 year old with an unavoidable destiny that still finds time to be a cheerleader, to deal with the perils of dating an older man, to be there for her friends, her family, and save the world. Again and again. And never alone. The theme of friendship is one that is reinforced from beginning to end. It isn't Buffy that saves the world, it's Buffy and the Scooby gang.  A constant and changing Scooby gang of flawed characters that Buffy never gives up on, and that never give up on Buffy.

It is the faith, forgiveness, and friendship that make the show so easy to watch, and so heartbreaking to finish.

That, and the feminism. The one that isn't mentioned anywhere, but is everywhere, in every episode.

The final season when each potential slayer is given her power brought me to tears for the amazing vision of what the world could be if women took their own strength, and power, and self-belief and pulled themselves together to save the world... I want to live in that place.

"From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer, will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" ~ Buffy. (Season 7, Chosen)

A powerful weapon to destroy the forces of evil, and Buffy decides to take it's power and give it to women all over the world to help them to fight. To stand up and be strong. That message, for me, is the pure heart of feminism, without once mentioning feminism.

As we watch our way through the Whedonverse I can't help but contemplate on the nature of misogyny, and it's slightly less systematic sister, sexism.

I see, and experience, sexism every day. From the insurance company that automatically makes me a "Mrs" after being asked to add my husband to the policy, to being called a "cunt" on twitter for having the audacity to express an opinion, to being called a lesbian for refusing to take my husbands last name. These are all things that women live with every day.

Not to mention the 600+ laws that were passed in various different countries around the world that allow the government to control what a woman does with her own body.

The big things like choice bug me, but it's the small things that get dismissed that really bug the every living daylights out of me.

It's the dude that stands up and says how much he loves women, he's married you see, and he loves his mum and his lovely daughters, so how could you possibly think that he's sexist? Well, Mr Prime Minister, you want to restrict a woman's right to choose and you said abortion was the "easy way out" so you can understand why we think you're a bit sexist.

Or there's the guy that proclaimed to the internet how he doesn't ever tolerate his fans attacking people with misogyny. Don't you call that woman a "cunt" you bad people,  but please, please ignore when my friends objectify and belittle women every day on their twitter feed and podcasts.

When they flash a fan's breasts all over their twitter feed it's because they're appreciating women, not objectifying them. When they undertake auditions to add a woman to their all dude show they don't take any of the very talented women, but they do offer the consolation prize of allowing the ladies to come in and flash tits to please the men if they so choose. But don't get mad, feminazi's, it's a joke. C'mon ladies have a sense of humour.

It's the hypocrisy of saying "but look at how much I love women" while ignoring the utterly sexist way in which they present themselves to the world at large.

The promotion and support of misogyny, whether it is yourself, or your friends, or you political party, is, in itself, misogyny.

When you stand by and allow your colleagues and friends to speak of women in a negative, exploitive, or belittling way, without stopping and saying "hey, that's not cool" you are being sexist. It is, essentially, a lie of omission. You're not being sexist, as such, but you are allowing sexism through your lack of action.

"But it wasn't me!!" they exclaim, and true enough, you didn't do it, you didn't say it, how can I blame you for your inaction. You're clearly not as bad as the person that said it, obviously.

Except, to me, you are. You're the guy that walks past a guy beating up on a girl and doesn't do anything because it's none of your business. It is your business. Sexism is everyone's business.

Joss Whedon, when asked why he keeps writing strong women, said:

George R.R. Martin, when asked about writing women said, perhaps the smartest shit on the planet:

Neil Gaiman was asked to reflect on Buffy recently and was asked about writing strong women, he said:

"I think the big thing to point out to people is, you know, possibly they should go and hang around with some women. And also, it's worth point out that people, unfortunately, misunderstand the phrase 'strong women'. The glory of Buffy is it was filled with strong women. Only one of those strong women had supernatural strength and an awful lot of sharpened stakes. And people sort of go 'well yes, of course Buffy was a strong woman. She could kick her way through a door'. And you go 'no, well, that's not actually what makes her a strong woman! you're missing the point. 

These are amazing authors seem like they don't just say these things, the live it.

Game of Thrones, by the nature of the world that it is created in, has moments of sexism, but it also have really gritty kick ass women. The mother of dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark, even Cersei Lannister in all her cruel manipulations has fire, courage, intelligence and strength that outshine her evilness.

Neil Gaimen's stories contain women of determination and humanity, and when he speaks of women in public it is with respect and decency.

Joss Whedon writes, what I would argue, are the most well rounded, fully developed, true women that have ever been on TV. Or in a movie, for that matter (though I suppose you could argue that Serenity is just an extension of a TV show). And if you google Joss Whedon speaking about women you can enjoy a great youtube of him speaking out about why chicks are super great.

Another example of dudes that do it right, is Sir Patrick Stewart. The true definition of a gentleman, with a slew of youtube clips of him demonstrating what a man should be, and how he should treat women.

These men don't just say that they support women, they prove it, day in, day out. In word and deed.

Now, obviously I don't know them, but from what I've seen around the internet, they seem to understand that supporting women isn't just a thing you blog about, its something you live every day. It's something you notice, something you see around you, not just on occasion, but all the time.

The characters they write are an example of what a woman can be, something for little girls to aspire to, someone that teaches you that you can be anything you want to be.


We're on season 3 Angel now, and we just watched an episode where a kid with demon blood was able to influence mean to display the deep dark misogynistic part of their souls and with that evil dark part of them brought to the surface the men tormented and murdered women.

It was with an incredible delicacy that the writers, Tim Minear and Jeffery Bell, tackled the cliches of sexism that are so prevalent in the modern world.

"I don't hate women. I mean, sure, you're all whores who sell yourselves for money or prestige, but men are just as bad. Maybe even worse. They're willing to throw away careers or families or even lives for what's under your skirt"

And while under the influence Wesley utters the always awful

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes" "Nothing, you've already told her twice".

As Fred walks away he mutters the always popular "no sense of humour".

At the end of the episode Wesley faces his fear that the behaviour is in him somewhere, that he has the capacity to be that guy. Fred comforts him and says "It wasn't something in you, Wesley. It was something that was done to you".

That's really what it's all about, at the end of the day, isn't it? Misogyny, sexism, it's not something you're born with, it's something that is done to you.

As you grow up in the world you see the casual stuff that is everywhere that reduces women down to nothing but a body to sell a car, or deodorant, or sunglasses, or jeans. You get the message from government, from movies, TV, magazines, that women aren't equal to men. You see male politicians allowed to refer to female politicians as "small breasts, large thighs, and a big red box" without any real consequence. There are hundreds of articles about how the Australian Governer-General dresses, and very few about what she's done while in that role. There were special editions of dozens of magazines talking about how Julia Gillard or Hillary Clinton dressed, but I've not seen any features about Tony Abbott's wardrobe or favourite nail colour.

Every day of our lives we are conditioned to accept sexism, and so few have the self awareness to step out of that behaviour, and call out that behaviour in others.

I'm not sure the point of this blog is. It went somewhere that I wasn't expecting it to go.

I guess the upshot is... wouldn't you like to see the world the way Joss Whedon does? Isn't that a better place than the way you see it now?

You can make it happen you know, we all can.

The Feminist Voice

Hi, my name’s Ruth and I am a feminist.

This, obviously, is no shock to the five of you that read this blog, or anyone that follows me on twitter.

I have strong opinions about how women are currently treated in the world, how they should be treated, what rights women should have to their own body autonomy and freedom of movement. I’m highly outspoken on those opinions.

And while it is the case that I will forthrightly put forward those opinions in discussions and debates on ‘women’s’ issues, no matter what you think I am not speaking for the feminist movement as a whole.

When Clementine Ford wrote this article I don't think she was speaking for all feminists either. The way you know that is that the article falls under the heading of “opinion” and her name is on the article. Ms Ford is expressing her opinion. It’s one I agree with and wholeheartedly endorse, but it’s not for everyone.

If you read the comments, which I don’t personally recommend (yes, I was stupid enough to ignore my own advice), you’ll see gems like these:

“The authors willingness to assert her moral superiority over a choice as individual as this one signifies more about the nature of modern feminism than anything said in the text”

“No attacks please, but I can bet all the "feminists" have plenty to say to me”

“Alert the equalist brigade- another feminist is mouthing off about what a real feminist is and does”

“I'm getting tired of this myth and those feminists who cling to it like a talisman”

The common link in these responses is the implication that feminists are one hive mind. We all think alike. Every issue with a feminist bent is one that is attacked with single focus that doesn’t allow for individual thought or self expression.

This is a common attack from people that think feminism is a dirty word.

And the generalisation of feminists, and in fact women overall, leads us down a path of minimising the value of self choice and self expression. We are forced to spend time defending attacks on feminism that may not even relate to our own personal opinions. We take exception to one feminist’s argument that can be interpreted to imply that you are not feminist enough if you disagree with that opinion.

I don’t believe that to be the case, and while I certainly don’t speak for Ms Ford, I don’t think (based on reading that article and her tweets) that she does either.

Every feminist I know firmly believes in choice. Your choice to make a decision that’s best for you. I might not agree with the historical context of the decision you make i.e. changing your name on marriage, but I respect that it’s your choice to make and your reasons for making it

What I ask in return, for respecting your choice, is that you do the same.

You don’t tsk tsk behind my back about my choices to not take my husband’s name (when I finally tie the knot).

You don’t punish me for taking a name of my choice by charging me to change my name where you don’t do the same for women who take their husbands name or return to their fathers name post divorce.

You don’t make jokes about me being a lesbian.

You don’t ask if my partner is offended that I changed my name without his ‘permission’ or imply he’s ‘whipped’ because he ‘let’ me take a name that wasn’t related to him.

You accept that my choice is mine and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, to the point that you really have no business even asking why I did it.

The simple fact is that in this big bad world you only speak for one person, you, and those people you’re talking with only speak for themselves not a whole movement.

When we push a group, feminists, men, Asians, Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Labour, into having a single voice we are limiting the millions of voices that might have something really important to say, that are drowned out by generalisations.

So, next time you’re having a conversation and you’re tempted to imply that a group of millions of the people around the world are all saying the same thing and can’t possibly think for themselves, perhaps you’d like pause and add the word “some” in front of feminist/builder/lawyer/elephant to acknowledge that there might be some people in that group that don’t conform with the majority and your generalisation of that group is misleading and insulting.

It's a man's world

It's a man's world? Given the history of the last 2000+ years where men have brutally repressed everyone that doesn't suit their world view and support their death grip on power, I suppose you could say that yes, it is indeed a man's world.

In March 2012, 29.2% of the Australian federal parliament was female. 

The recent US election made history because it resulted in a record breaking number of women in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. The House now has 80 women, out of 435 seats, equalling 18% of the house. In the Senate 20% of the seats are now women. 

That these numbers are record breaking gives credence to the statement that it's a man's world, given that women the world over (including me) screamed with joy over how well we did, but we still hold such a tiny portion of representation in significant government positions. 

Surely that representation would be higher in the private sector, with female representation on boards and in executive positions. Sadly not. The results of the 2012 survey into female board representation in ASX2000 companies showed another record breaking number of women had joined boards in 2012 giving the highest level of representation to date. What could that record breaking number be? 13.5%. Yes, seriously, 13.5%. 

That also supports the statement it's a man's world. 

And those statistics, bad as they are, are in two of the worlds leading nations and don't take into consideration the parts of the world where women can't drive, can't leave the house without an escort, have their genitals mutilated, are stoned to death when they're raped, or shot just for having the audacity to want an education. 

So yes, all evidence points to this being a man's world. A place where men lead and women trail behind and must push harder and be stronger, and do more in order to achieve the level of success that seems to just be conferred to men based on their genitals, their money, their privilege, education, or whatever got the to where they are. 

However, I reject the idea that this is a man's world. I flat out reject it and simply won't tolerate the statement as anything even close to correct. 

This is my world. 

This is your world too. 

This world, this giant blue ball floating in space doesn't belong to anyone, it belongs to everyone and you define what your world is like on this ball. 

I define my world as belonging to everyone, no matter how small, and I will fight every day for their right to own their world. 

I will fight for women in my workplace. I will teach them that how they dress, what size they are, is irrelevant to their worth in their job, and they should not tolerate anyone that implies or flat out says differently. 

I will fight for women in developing nations that want an education as best I can by giving time and money to organisations like Collective Shout. 

I will fight by making my voice heard, so that the combined voices of women all around the world are too loud to be ignored and we finally get the equal representation that we deserve. 

I will NOT, NOT EVER, treat men in my work place any differently than I treat women in the workplace. I will not, not ever, learn to work with men in particular, like they deserve some kind of special treatment. I will not, not ever, show more respect to men than women. I will not, not ever, define the way someone is acting in the workplace by their gender. I will not, not ever, blame the victim, by expecting women to learn to work with men, when in fact, it's quite the opposite that should be occurring. 

Men hold the balance of power in this world. There is no arguing that. Their responsibility, as the holders of the balance, is to recognise that there should be real balance and strive to develop a workplace culture that doesn't focus on gender but on skill, achievements and vision. They should work to find the most suitable candidate for a job, without being forced to by quotas. In a world that's 53% women, surely in an executive team of 6 people there's no real argument that there were no qualified women for the position and therefore the executive team had to be all men? 

Men have a responsibility to break down the barriers they built, women don't have the responsibility to hold their hands while they do it. 

So, it's a man's world? No, I don't accept that. I don't believe that's ever been true, despite evidence to the contrary. 

This world is defined by how you define it, and I refuse to define it is being dominated by one gender, one race, one economic group, because at the point I allow those words to be true, I have nothing left to fight for. 

The times, they really are changing.

This election showed clearly that people are ready for change. We want equality for everyone. Women should have choice in their bodies, decisions, future, the right to earn as much as men. We want people to marry who they love, gay or straight. We want people to be able to afford to go to the doctor without taking out a loan. We want a good economy and a fair chance at the future we dream about as children. 


And we want a government that can deliver that for us. 

Be proud, America, you're showing us the way forward.



And it's not just America that is moving forward. 

Locally we have a government that is moving forward with intentions to bring marriage equality to Canberra. We also have a greater representation of women in elected positions in the Legislative Assembly than we've seen before. We have a Chief Minister committed to making equality a reality. Which makes me incredibly proud to be a Canberran. 

We have a Prime Minister who is standing up and identifying misogynistic behavior from the Opposition and saying "enough", but is disappointingly not progressing marriage equality at a national level (I'm going to live in hope about that one). 

In Australian, and in the US, we are seeing a trend to reject entrenched hate and values that limit the rights of people based on their race, gender, sexual preference, education or economic position. 

This move forward gives me a long denied hope that we are getting better as humans. We are starting to see that love, passion, belief and community can beat out the lies, and negativity offered to us by the conservative agenda. 

I can finally believe that the children I'm yet to have will grow up in a world where it won't matter if they're boys or girls, gay or straight, they'll have the same opportunities regardless. I won't need to worry that when my daughter becomes prime minister, or president, that she'll be identified as "female" in articles about her, because her gender will be irrelevant, it will be on her performance and policy that she will be judged. 


When my daughters* are old enough, I will talk with them about how important it is to vote, because this time in 2012 women had to fight every single day just to keep the right to make their own medical decisions. I hope, so hard, that they'll look at me like I'm crazy, because in their future that concept is totally ridiculous, because we are truly all equal. 


*please note, I reject the possibility of having sons, not because it wouldn't be cool to have a boy, but because I'm pretty confident my punishment for giving my mum hell is ending up with a daughter just like me. 

This is what a feminist looks like

A chick I dig on twitter, Amanda Rose, wrote this article.

It's a good article, and I get the point she's trying to make. Are men confused? No doubt. Living in 2012 in a world where women can become Prime Ministers (psst they've been doing that in New Zealand since last century), the Secretary of State, CEO's (though not very many) and even work in IT has got to be confronting to the men who have previously held all these jobs while women stayed home, had babies, made biscuits, and went to the nursing mothers group once a week.

The suffrage movement, and the feminists of the 70's and 80's changed the way that women were treated in the world. From having no voice at all, other than influencing the husband in bed, or maybe having a small control over the household budget, we had the ability to vote, to go to work, to be lawyers, and doctors, serve in parliament, be builders, plumbers, programmers. We can do any job that a man can do. And should have equal opportunities to win those jobs, and should be treated equally and paid equally once we win the job.

Is that actually the case? My experience is no.

Now, lets talk misogyny.

Dictionary.com defines misogyny as the hatred of women. It's a pretty simply definition. Macquarie Dictionary has recently changed their definition to include "entrenched prejudice against women". This change was so shocking it was a big deal in the media, because isn't that basically sexism?

The definition of sexism is "discrimination based on gender, particularly against women". I find the last half of that statement pretty silly, to be honest, because I've seen sexist behaviour towards men too, so saying it's particularly relevant to women makes the definition of sexism, to my mind, sexist.

So, I like that the definition of misogyny being changed, because I think saying things are sexist is too light weight for a systematic and determined campaign against women. For example, I think US "War on Women" is not simply sexism, its just too wide spread, and comes from such a deep dark place in which women are not equal to men and never will be. It's a religious based war, with Christians deciding that it's against their religion for women to have control of their bodies. Saying that's sexist is too simple. It's not sexism, it's misogyny. It's a calculated, and in some cases legislated, hated of women. Of a woman's right to think for herself and make her own health care decisions. That is absolutely an entrenched prejudice against women.

As is Tony Abbott's, and the main stream media's, behavior towards Julia Gillard. You only need to read a few articles, or listen to question time for 45 minutes, or do a google search of Mr Abbott to find that he really doesn't like women. He thinks that should be at home doing the ironing. He thinks that women don't have the same capacity for leadership as a man. Is saying that behavior is sexist enough? No, I don't think it is. I think it's misogyny and I absolutely think that Julia Gillard was spot on in this video when she called Mr Abbott out for his behavior and when she referred to it as misogyny, because it is.

If you really want to see some entrenched prejudice against women google Julia Gillard and check out some of the articles about her. I just did and found quite a number that referred to her as Julia. A google search of Tony Abbott found that in a good number of articles he was referred to as Mr Abbott, or Tony Abbott, not just by his first name. Is this sexist behavior from the media? oh hell yes. Is it misogynistic? I think so, yes.

So, back to Amanda's article....

Do women use misogynist every day to describe men they don't like? I haven't seen it, but maybe. Is the word misogynist confused by people? probably yes. Does that mean it shouldn't be used? No. To my mind it's better to hear this word on peoples lips every day, than not at all. While by strict definition I suppose the PM should have used sexist, rather than misogynist when talking about Mr Abbott, but there is now a national discussion about feminism and misogyny and that's only to the benefit of Australia, and the world. The PM's take down of ol' Tony has 1.2 million views. My twitter feeds blew up within minutes of the completion of the speech with every women I know RTing in delight and talking about how proud they were. US site Jezebel, the Mary Sue, and even the New Yorker talked about what a powerful video it was. Because it was. It made women feel strong and empowered and like they could do anything, because there was a female PM speaking out against the way she'd been treated, which was very clearly in a sexist way, by the opposition leader.

Now, here comes the point where we go back to the mainstream media, and what idiots they are...the mainstream media, in every article I read, dismissed the PM's speech as petulant, or contrived. They didn't think it had any impact because it was manipulative. They dismissed at as using the 'gender card' against Tony, as women are wont to do.

That commentary is, in itself, disgustingly sexist. Dismissive. Rude. It was just plain shit to read that after such a powerful and passionate speech. They claimed it wasn't politically relevent, wouldn't help her ratings. Two weeks later and she's 3 points up in polls. Imagine that, women were moved by that speech and voiced their approval.

Women started to proudly proclaim they were feminist. In fact, even Mr Abbott came out as a feminist. That, btw, lie that it was, was success in itself because it made feminism ok again.

When I was a teen in the 90's feminism was a dirty word. It was "over" (apparently it's still over). I didn't want to be seen like those bra burning chicks from the 70's, I could get any job I wanted, why did I need feminism? I was young, and to be honest, I was stupid. I had a bad experience where a feminist on the bus told me off for wanting to give up work and have kids, I should be able to do both.

I'm old enough now to know that feminism is choice, and that woman was wrong.

Feminism is the ability and right to choose for yourself, and to have the options available to you to choose from.

If I want a job in IT I should be able to get a job in IT. My resume shouldn't be thrown in the bin just because I'm a woman, and yet it happens. If you're a woman looking for an IT job and you manage to get past the resume chuck out phase, you should have the right to be paid equally to a man. Chances are you won't be. if you're a woman working in IT you should be treated equally at work, not oggled, or dismissed as having less knowledge. If you read everydaysexism.com you'll quickly find that's not the case.

If I want to quit work and stay home, have babies, raise them, be around, I should have that choice too. I shouldn't be forced to work because there's no paid parental leave. And I shouldn't be forced to stay home because there's not enough child care. And I shouldn't be judged by anyone for my choice to stay home, or not.

Neither should my partner. If he wants to stay home and raise the kids he should be able to, with the right to leave, and the right to make his choice without societal judgement coming his way.

In my experience (and I know A LOT of feminists) that's what feminists want.

They want the opportunity, the choice, the rights, the ability to choose without judgment, and the same pay for the same job.

They don't hate men. They just want to be equal in a world that's still paying them less and treating them as less.

In my experience I am treated as less at work. I have been spoken over and dismissed in meetings where I was the only woman. In the same meetings, when I could get a word in, I proposed a solution and was told it was "useless" and then watched as a man suggested the exact same thing and was a genius. I've been referred to as "sweetie" "love" "darling" and "princess" while men were given the respect of having a real name. I've been referred to as a lesbian for ditching my last name and adopting my middle name as my last name. I've had eyes rolled whenever I've raised that the sign in the kitchen "your mother doesn't work here, clean up after yourself" is sexist and outdated, it's not the 70's folks, lets try and move in the new century.

It's because of these behaviors that the word misogyny is used casually, because we need a stronger word to say "this shit is FUCKED" when sexist just doesn't get the point across.

Are there feminists that hate men? Sure, no doubt. Do men often claim that feminists hate men in order to dismiss a relevant argument presented to them by a feminist? oh my yes. Do some folks like to jump up and claim misandry (the opposite of misogyny) when they want to silence a strong outspoken women? oh yeah, my twitter feed is a treat.


So, are men confused about how to treat women? Should they open they door? Can they say they like your outfit? Should they hold the chair out? Tell you that you look sexy?

It's all about context, baby.

Should you open the door? Yes. But don't mind if a woman opens the door for you.

Can you say you like my outfit? To be sure, but think about how you frame the compliment. If it's at work, using the words "sexy" and "school girl" are probably terms to avoid. be professional and smart about how you say it. I love a compliment, but if you make it skeevy, it's just skeevy.

Should you hold the chair out? Sure, why not? But I'm really short and inevitably I get a chair in the knees and that really hurts, so I don't know, if you want.

Can you tell me I look sexy? Only if you're my fella. If you're not my fella, I'd really prefer you didn't. That's just me tho.

All these thoughts are just me.

I don't speak for any feminist but me.

I don't speak for any woman but me.

I won't speak for you, because you might like the chair thing.

The thing that really gets to me about feminism, all the different definitions, the disclaimers "oh I'm not a feminist" the denouncing of feminism as evil, the spouting of opinions presented by feminists as the opinion of all feminists, is that it's fucking bullshit, much like any assumption that one group thinks the same all the time.

Not all white people think the same. Not all Asians think the same. Not all men think the same. Not all women thing the same. Not all feminists think the same.

But at the end of the day, feminism isn't as hard as people make it and we'd all be better served by remembering that feminism is equality and choice, and misogyny is the hatred of women, and put some effort into making it clear to the media that they're making the issue harder for all of us by putting a spin on these terms.


I'm proud to proclaim that I'm a feminist. Not just in words, but in actions and intent. If you met me and talked with me for 5 minutes you'd know I'm a feminist because I think it's important that we speak out loud about these things, and I'm not afraid to be the one that does it.

I think all woman should be proud to say they're feminist, I think men should lean to be proud to be feminist too. I think we should all be proud to say we want equality for women, because it's 2012 and we don't have it yet.

And really, isn't it time we did?

Because fuck you, that's why.

Dear society,

I'm mad at you. I was mad at you when I wrote the last post, I'm more mad at you now.

Email went out today about my name change. It was pretty straight forward, it made it VERY clear that Ruth was my first name, Fiona was my last name. You'd think it would be a pretty easy concept to understand when it's spelled out for you.

Still, of course, I got emails "congratulations Fiona". I can ignore that, it's what you get for having basically two first names.

What I also got though was many, and I mean many, "Congratulations! When did you get married?!" emails.

Now, my first thing is that surely etiquette says you don't ask the question unless you know for sure that there's been a marriage.

My second thing is fuck your assumptions.

When advised that there was no marriage, the next question was "so why did you change your name".

Because fuck you, that's why.

It's none of your fucking business.

I get that I work with you day in and out, spend more time with you than my family, but it's still none of your damn business.

I made the mistake of letting ONE person know why, to the instant "so you're a lesbian now" joke.

Is this really where we're at?

In 2012 we're still here? That a name change must be about a father or a husband and not personal choice? That if you change your name for your own choice you're a lesbian? This is how far we've come in the battle for equality?

Fuck you, society. You're supposed to be better than this. I deserve better than this. All our daughters deserve better than this.

Shape up.

You suck,

Ruth.

Choice

I changed my name today.

I did it because I wanted to. There were other reasons, but essentially it came down to that, because I want to.

I didn't make a mind blowing change. I didn't change it to "Ninja" or "Astro Boy" or "World Peace", I just made my middle name my last name. Because why not? It's my name.

For reasons beyond my comprehension there are people that seem to find this offensive.

The man at the counter when I lodged my application couldn't get his tiny mind past the idea that there are reasons for changing your name other than getting married or divorced. He asked three times when my marriage was/where my marriage was. Despite the fact I said, VERY CLEARLY, that my name was not related to a marriage or divorce.

The man was so offended that he even asked his supervisor if my reason was valid. Bless her heart she said "she can change her name for whatever reason she wants as long as it's not to someone illegal". That sorted, the gentleman was rude to me for the rest of the transaction.

Boggled as I was I didn't get involved with his nonsense, paid my money, got an agreement I could come back in the morning to get my certificate and went on about my day comforted by the fact that my wonderful friends were supportive and very kind about the change.

And I got to work and for the most part people were supportive, but a couple of women in the office, women I like, thought that my reason for changing my name was a direct attack on them. This also boggled me.

I change my name because I thought it was time for me to no longer identify myself with a name that came from a man. That was my decision and impacts me alone. I changed my name when I got married because I didn't identify with my fathers name, so I took my husbands. And I joked pretty constantly after my divorce that I kept my ex's name because I had a better relationship with him than with my father, so I kept my married name (also because it is time consuming and EXPENSIVE to change your name).

But a time came when I was confident in myself, my strength, my place in the world, my relationship with my fiancé, my relationship with my family, and my career and I decided I was ready to be just me. And that's what suits me.

When I decided to change my name to reflect, in part, that I feel very strongly about women being slapped with a mans name, that view didn't come with the idea that it should impact beyond just me.

I don't want all the women in the world to change their names because I feel strongly about this. I don't judge women that keep their maiden name. I don't judge women that take their husbands names. That choice is the right choice for them, and I respect it because they're making a choice. And that choice is what feminism boils down to. What equality means.

Being equal means that you have choice. I have the choice to change my name without society having an apoplexy.

I have the right for that name change to cost the same as a name change for someone who is getting married or divorced, be it free, or at a cost, because a name change should have equal status across the board. There shouldn't be a built in bias for women getting married to change their name to their husbands name because they can do it for free from their license, to their passport, to the cost of the name change itself. A name change is a name change, the reason shouldn't matter. Because the choice to change your name is personal, and the government shouldn't have a bias, even a cost bias when something is a personal choice.

Choices are not things that go beyond yourself. Choice is entirely something you do on your own.

A name change, a marriage, divorce, abortion, birth control, adoption, these are things that a single person of their own sane mind should be able to choose.

Where you go, who you go with, what you wear, who you leave with, these are your own free choices and should not come with risks like sexual assault, abuse, and rape.

I don't judge women or men for keeping or changing their name, or for making choices that wouldn't suit me personally because I don't want them to judge me when I make those choices.

And because I respect their right to make those choices on their own without society pushing them to go a certain way. Or politicians forcing them to go a  certain way because that politician is pushing a religious agenda.

As people in this world we are born with nothing but what other people give us. Our opinions and thoughts as we grow and develop are those that are imprinted on us by parents, teachers and friends.

It takes a long time to come to a point where you can stand up and know that you are saying something or doing something that comes truly from inside yourself because of your own strength and conviction. And those decisions and actions should be celebrated because choice should be celebrated.

I am whoever I say I am, and right now I say that I'm Ruth Fiona and if you don't like it, well, honestly it's none of your fucking business.

Storm in a Teacup

Alternative titles:
"How you're misunderstanding my point"
"The man-hating feminazi is talking again"
"TL;DR"
"Men Aren't Funny EVER"


On occasion, though not regularly, I listen to a podcast that you can find on the S.I.R (Smodcast Internet Radio) network, called Tell'Em Steve Dave (TESD). I don't listen all the time because there's about 20 podcasts I love and I just don't have the time to listen to them all, so I triage and listen to random episodes of various things.

I listen to TESD because I like Kevin Smith and Kevin Smith likes these guys, so they must be alright.

Some of the folks from the TESD podcast are soon to be seen on American TV, in a show called Comic Book Men, which is a reality show about the goings on in a comic book shop called the Secret Stash. The Stash, as nerds call it, is owned (in part, I think, I don't know the business model) by Kevin Smith and is a bit of a Mecca for the fans of Mr Smith and his various movies. It sells comics and quality merch and has various movie props and such things. It's also where the podcast is recorded. I haven't been there personally, but I hear tell it's excellent. As a fan of both comics and merch I give the Stash a big two thumbs up.

Since the talk of the reality TV show has been flying around the internet there has been some talk about the lack of women in the show, and the fact there are no women starring in the show. Which has included some broader talk about how sexist the comic book industry is generally.

I would like to start my response by clearly stating a few of my own personal views:

1. Do I think that the title of the show is sexist?

To some extent, but it's not so sexist when considered on its own that I'd make a fuss about it. It's exclusionary, but to be fair it's a show about comic book men, and I really don't think the guys starring in the show have any say about the title so if I'm going to get annoyed about it I'll send a letter to AMC.

2. Do I think only starring guys is sexist?
To some extent, but like the title I don't really think that it's so much of an issue that I'd make a fuss on this alone. Auditions were held to have a women added to the show, and the decision was made that someone extra wouldn't fit in. That makes total sense to me. The guys running the shop and starring in the show have been friends for 20+ years and they have a chemistry. Adding someone new, male, female, alien would have messed up the dynamic. I get it, I really do. And as the guys from TESD have pointed out, it would have been pandering and it probably just wouldn't have worked. So I get it. There's going to be girls (customers) in the show, so it's not like they're going to just pretend that women don't exist anywhere in the world of comics.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d like to see more women in comic book stores, I’d like to see better representation of women as more than semi naked side-kicks and girlfriends in comics (in general, yes, there are some already, I want to see more), and I’d like to see more women in comic book stores so I wasn’t always dismissed as someone’s girlfriend when I buy comics, but I don’t think this show is the way to push that agenda if it’s not going to be natural, and it will ruin the existing dynamic of the guys running the shop.

So, let’s get down to what my issue is. And it isn't so much about the TV show, it's about the podcast, but the TV show was discussed on the latest episode of the podcast, episode 96 (available here http://smodcast.com/channels/tell-em-steve-dave/) and discussion of the TV show, and an online article about the TV show (available here http://www.newsarama.com/tv/hey-thats-my-cape-comic-book-men-120105.html) are why I'm a bit irked with the fellas from TESD.

These are my main reasons, in no particular order:

1. The author of the article, and another woman that auditioned for the show, were referred to as "cute". There was no discussion of their auditions, their geek cred, their love of comics, or their intelligence, they were just "cute". To be totally fair, one of the gentlemen did jump in at one point in the podcast and say "why is that relevant?". Why is it relevant? Referring to someone as cute, without any discussion of their merit outside of their looks is dismissive. As the conversation progressed it was added that nobody wants to see a hag on TV. The point was well made that the gentlemen that are going to be on TV aren't exactly male models (I'm paraphrasing all of this because I don’t want to re-listen to get exact quotes), and here comes the kicker. The reason I won’t re-listen and get exact quotes, "it's different for men". Yup...there you have it. If you want to be on TV, and you're a woman, you've got to be hot. No hags allowed.

2. This is, again, a paraphrase, but if you listen to the podcast you're going to find out that women aren't funny. None of them. "You don't find any women funny" "No". That's how it went. Now, let's say the opposite of that. I don't find any men funny. Not a one. I've met all the men in the world so I can say that with authority. It's not like Dane Cook and Kevin Smith have totally different comedic styles. No men, anywhere, ever, have ever been funny. It just doesn’t happen. Their jokes are all about how women nag and balls are uncomfortable and women be shopping. Amirite, ladies?

Sarcasm out of the way, Tina Fey and Roseanne are not the same. Their comedy is totally different. They’re both women, they both work in comedy, but they’re not the same. Sara Benincasa, one of my personal favourite “chicks that are funny” is totally different from Tina Fey or Roseanne.

Women are different. They’re not all the same. Their comedy routines are not all about being on the rag and how dumb men are. Sometimes they talk about those things to be sure, because menstruating, as a topic can make for some serious funny. I don't find Dane Cook’s oh so humorous observations about banging hookers with his mighty chainsaw like penis funny, but that doesn't mean I don't find any men funny. You can’t say all dudes aren’t funny just because Dane Cook isn’t funny, just as you can’t say all chicks aren’t funny because you don’t find Sarah Silverman funny.

Until you’ve met all the women in the world, you’re just going to have to not say that. Ever.

3. ‘If she wants to come in and show us her tits we’ll be here for the next two weeks”. I think that’s pretty close to the quote. But you know, it was a joke that came down to “olol show as your boobs lady”. Joke it was, I read the tone, I’m not stupid, I get that it was intended as funny.

But it wasn’t.

Jokes like this make women nothing but boobs, ass, legs. We’re more than that. The ladies that auditioned are more than that. The article that Jill wrote was smart and funny. And while I see that you could, if you were so inclined, to dismiss her as bitter for not being cast, that doesn’t mean she isn’t smart, and isn’t funny. I’ve read her articles, she’s both smart and funny. And has some hardcore geek cred. To limit her to a set of tits...come on dudes, it’s lazy.

So that’s the crux of it.

I have no issue with the name of the show when considered in isolation. I have no problems with the lack of female stars in the show when considered in isolation. But I have a problem with both those things when considered with the things that were said on episode 96 of the podcast, which leads to a troubling level of sexism and misogynistic language directed at women.

And that’s not even taking into consideration the very troubling behaviour of some of the TESD fans in reaction to this controversy. Which I understand cannot be controlled by the members of TESD and I don’t hold them responsible for that behaviour. I do think, however, that the lack of clarification of their position (which really needs to be longer than 140 characters) has resulted in some of their fans thinking they have free reign to bully and abuse women, because they perceive that is what the fine gentlemen of TESD would want them to do. I think that perception is incorrect, but I’m just a girl, what do I know.

A few disclaimers to wrap this up:

I am only speaking for myself. This whole response is my opinion and my opinion alone. I do not speak for my gender. I speak for myself.

I do not think that all members of the TESD are sexist. I do not know the members of TESD and I cannot speak to their attitudes towards women other than what I’ve heard via their podcast. I have no personal problem with any of the members of TESD and have no personal opinion about them as people since I’ve never met them.

I understand apologies have been made by Walt and Q via twitter and I have the greatest respect for the guts it takes to do that so publicly. Thumbs up.

Yes, I do understand I have a comma problem.

Please feel free to direct your disagreements to me, and me alone, via the comments or to my twitter @Ruthico . Though, if you're going to just say I'm a man hating lesbian maybe try and find a more original way of saying that, because it's kind of dull at this point.

Oh and hey, I took some nice pictures a year ago, take some time to check them out if you're here anyway.