Drifting

I've tried to post a few times about how I'm feeling and where my brain is. Every post I've decided to carefully navigate away from the publish button and store my issues safely away in my drafts folder.

I'm not sure why.

I guess, of late, it feels like I'm just drifting and the minor frustrations that are hitting me feel like major disasters one minute and nothing the next.

I've been drifting from angry, to frustrated, to sad, depressed, happy, content, and positive all in the first half hour of my day. Although they usually go in the reverse order.

As the day progresses I yo-yo through all the emotions going from task to task at work. The dominant emotions in the last two weeks have been negative. During work hours anyway. I struggle through depression, frustration and anxiety from 7 until 3.30 and then, thankfully, come home to food, clean house, and a bright smile that puts the day behind me in a content blanket snuggling hibernation.

But still, in the back of my head is this constant niggling depression that terrifies me.

I don't know how to get past it. How to move forward. It feels like a constant soft blanket over the happy centers of my brain.

And, if I'm being honest with myself I feel like a failure for being in this depression.

I should be happy. I haven't been with Americo like this for over a year. I have him here. We're sharing our days, a bed, a shower, the house stuff, he's home when I finish work and the last thing I remember before bed is him brushing my hair out of my face.

If there is any time in this difficult year that I should be feeling happy and content this is it, and not being able to fully feel this happiness past the fog in my head makes me feel like I'm not really giving this wonderful time together all that it deserves.

Of course, that leads me to feel tense and anxious, simply because I'm not feeling happy enough.

The human brain is fucking weird.

As I work through this I wonder if it's simply that I haven't got the right balance with my pills yet. Or whether I should be going to therapy to help me deal with my family issues. Or if I need to take up yoga, or meditation, or Pilates to help me balance my brain.

I don't know.

This is a tough journey from good day to bad day and so many just meh days with no direction as to how to get where I want to be.

Still taking it day by day, and I guess that's just all that I can do.