Not for you

When compared with my sisters mental illness, my anxiety, depression and OCD are almost non-existent.

Her illness falls in the schizophrenia range of disorders. She doesn't hear voices, but the spectrum she's in results in her not having any kind of understanding of long term consequences. She doesn't have any kind of comprehension of a life outside her own sphere of understanding. She doesn't comprehend that people aren't ready to talk to her at 7am on a Sunday. She doesn't think that calling me, or our mother, 12 times a day is unreasonable. It doesn't occur to her that I can't drop everything and drive an hour each way to deliver her cigarettes because she doesn't get paid for 3 days. Or pick her up foundation, or perfume, or whatever she needs right now but can't afford and won't be able to pay back.

There is a complete empty space in the consequences and consideration part of her mind that doesn't allow her to realise that she can't call someone every 5 minutes when she's well aware they're on another call.

The lack of understanding is no fault of hers, but it has such a huge impact on those around her. She expects that everything will be dropped for her the moment she needs something. No matter the time of day or the request, it must be done on her time and nobody else's.

And it's hard to say to her that this moment, this call, this request is too much. This time is not for her, this is mine, it belongs to me and I cannot devote it to you. She can't find the part of her that understands the need for me to say no to her for my own peace of mind, because she doesn't want to see that I have my own mental health issues that impact my ability to be a good sister, aunt, daughter, partner and friend. And her demands on me make it harder to be the things I need to be to those that are part of my circle.

I, middle child that I am, have a compulsive need to please others. My parents, friends, family, I have to be the one that's "good", easy to get along with. I don't ask for money, I don't generally ask for support, I don't need anyone to solve my problems for me, and clearly I am a tad in the control freak spectrum in my life, and my illness.

But a time comes where you need to say "this is not for you" and hang up the phone. And ignore the guilt that you know the next call is going to make life even harder for your mother.

Drifting

I've tried to post a few times about how I'm feeling and where my brain is. Every post I've decided to carefully navigate away from the publish button and store my issues safely away in my drafts folder.

I'm not sure why.

I guess, of late, it feels like I'm just drifting and the minor frustrations that are hitting me feel like major disasters one minute and nothing the next.

I've been drifting from angry, to frustrated, to sad, depressed, happy, content, and positive all in the first half hour of my day. Although they usually go in the reverse order.

As the day progresses I yo-yo through all the emotions going from task to task at work. The dominant emotions in the last two weeks have been negative. During work hours anyway. I struggle through depression, frustration and anxiety from 7 until 3.30 and then, thankfully, come home to food, clean house, and a bright smile that puts the day behind me in a content blanket snuggling hibernation.

But still, in the back of my head is this constant niggling depression that terrifies me.

I don't know how to get past it. How to move forward. It feels like a constant soft blanket over the happy centers of my brain.

And, if I'm being honest with myself I feel like a failure for being in this depression.

I should be happy. I haven't been with Americo like this for over a year. I have him here. We're sharing our days, a bed, a shower, the house stuff, he's home when I finish work and the last thing I remember before bed is him brushing my hair out of my face.

If there is any time in this difficult year that I should be feeling happy and content this is it, and not being able to fully feel this happiness past the fog in my head makes me feel like I'm not really giving this wonderful time together all that it deserves.

Of course, that leads me to feel tense and anxious, simply because I'm not feeling happy enough.

The human brain is fucking weird.

As I work through this I wonder if it's simply that I haven't got the right balance with my pills yet. Or whether I should be going to therapy to help me deal with my family issues. Or if I need to take up yoga, or meditation, or Pilates to help me balance my brain.

I don't know.

This is a tough journey from good day to bad day and so many just meh days with no direction as to how to get where I want to be.

Still taking it day by day, and I guess that's just all that I can do.

Blessings

Ive struggled lately with my faith in something greater then us. God, Gaia, the universe, a giant ball of connected strings, whatever it might or might not be, i've struggled to see a greater purpose to the stupidity, selfishness, confusion of humanity.

The awful hate, discrimination, destruction, and pain we all cause each other seems to indicate a lack of connection between us, humanity, and a greater purpose, a driving force or direction that is divine in nature.

With my faith shaken its hard to believe that it's possible to have pre-determined connections between people, places, things, ideas, and yet, in the midst of six months of gut wrenching anxiety, pain, depression, a day of clarity makes me see my faith more clearly than I have in a long time.

I don't know that I believe that the universe, Gaia, great creator, destined Americo and I to be together from the beginning of time, but I think whoever guides the strings through the loom to form the fabric of the universe set my feet on a path that put me in this place, in this time, and it is supremely right that the things I've been through in my life, all the pain, sadness, hurt, lead me to this day of rightness.

I don't believe in soul mates, I don't believe in only one great love per lifetime, but I do believe that I haven't, and couldn't, love anyone as strongly and with such passion as I love Americo, and I am grateful to the great string puller for giving me this chance to share a bed with this wonderful man again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Nervous? Who me?

yes, alright, I am.

It's been a year since I've seen my man.

A year is a long ass time in the world of relationships. It's a longer time in the world of a relationship that turns five in two weeks and is still frustratingly intercontinental.

It's ever so slightly ridiculous that I'm still nervous after this much time committed to this relationship. The first trip, totally logical. The second trip even, logical. Trip number, five, however, should be a breeze. Should be normal, familiar, just routine.

But this time has a new twist that is making me flippy in my tummy. It's the first time we've been alone in the house together. Plus, the first time I've been fully medicated for my anxiety. And to add to that my medication seems to push my mild OCD into a different place that is slightly unfamiliar and difficult for me to manage.

I have routines. Routines that I need to survive the nutty in my brain. Any change, even the arrival of my sweetie, will change those routines and I'm scared of what that will do to my brain chemistry.

Plus, there's so no room in my closet for another person. I have a lot of clothes. And shoes. SO MANY SHOES.

But, but, but, but, but, I miss him. I miss him like I'm not fully together and so maybe I'll find a way to make the routines work. Maybe I'll figure out to fit my shoes AND his shoes in the closet?

You never know.

Still, nervous. What if I'm too crazy this time around?