F.I.N.E

I've been using the word fine a lot lately. When I say it, I mean it like this. 

I am fucked up. 

I am insecure. 

I am most definitely neurotic. 

And I take emotional to a whole new level. 

I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I cried watching Ricky Martin give someone feedback on The Voice Australia the other day, if that gives you some perspective about my emotional state. 

When I think about it I know it's with good reason. 

Yesterday I did a timeline mapped out of various things that have happened to me in the last three years. Things that have caused me to be F.I.N.E. 

It was, when written down, an eyeopening list of  things that taken one at a time might be ok, but when considered as a three year pattern is quite upsetting. 

Writing it down I wondered how I've managed to get myself from them to now at all. I wondered how I haven't broken. And then I considered that maybe I did get broken, and then got fixed. 

Since the first thing that happened three years ago I've started taking medication to manage my anxiety and depression. Mostly it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe that's the glue that's holding me together. The thing that lets me sleep, and therefore function. I wonder where I'd be right now if I hadn't finally pulled myself together enough to ask for help from my doctor. 

I also wonder where I'd be if these things hadn't happened to me at all. Would my career have progressed faster? Would I be stronger and more stable if these things hadn't impacted my daily emotional stability? Would I be better at managing money and my life if I wasn't feeling so unstable all the time?

How much has what was said and done to me has impacted me more than I've even considered?

What is the long term impact of casually cruel words when delivered by someone who has a great deal of influence on your future?

I wonder how long it's going to be until I'm fine again, and can mean it when I say it, instead of translating it into Donald Sutherland in my head. 

If I go crazy will you still call me Superman?

Those of you that don't read comics may not be aware that Superman has recently rocked the comic world by turning in his US citizenship.

Why?

Because the world is smaller than it used to be. Because there is revolution and strife outside the United States that deserves attention. And because he's sick of being seen as a tool for US foreign polity.

This alien, the last son of a destroyed planet, who landed in Kansas, was raised by humans, and dedicated his life, and power, to saving humanity, but mostly Americans from various alien attacks and power grabs from megalomanic humans that wanted to be more than any human should be allowed to be.

And through it all he stated time and again that he fought for "truth, justice, and the American way".

But why?

Why is it in any way conceivable that this alien would put one nation on earth above all others, and use his might to preserve their place in the world? How, in his alien viewpoint could this nation be the greatest in the world and more deserving of his power than any other?

This is a question I've always asked myself about superman. Through the movies, the remake of the movie, Smallville, and the occasional glimpse of the comics, I've wondered why Martha and Jonathan Kent, who seem to be pretty grounded folks, would raise their alien son to be so short sighted about the world and encourage him to a tool for the government of a single country.

Why, when they knew the extent of his power, did his parents not encourage him to contact the UN and become a citizen of the world, as it were, rather than a citizen and tool for a single country?

With this latest story Superman steps back and becomes aware that there is so much more going on in the world that deserves his attention. He becomes aware of hundreds of thousands of protestors in the middle east peacefully taking a stand against the military while they cry out for social change.

And he made a choice to stand with them. For a whole day he took a stand for social change. Saying nothing, doing nothing, flowers laid at his feet, or being hit with fire, he stood and peacefully indicated his support for change. And the protest grew to the millions. All peacefully marching for change.

In that moment of peaceful protest he saw the world, and realised it was so much smaller than it had ever been.

And he was right.

This world we live in is rapidly outgrowing it's borders. While governments strive to keep their countries easily identifiable as THEIR countries, be they the strongest or weakest, richest or poorest, the citizens of the world are reaching out to each other. Through floods, earthquakes, tsunami, social change, peaceful protest, humanity communicates to each other through social media to send prayers and support.

Every day I communicate with people from around the globe. A concept that was totally alien 50 years ago. I can pick up my phone and find out what someone is having for breakfast in Tokyo, or what the weather is like in Sweden. I can send messages of support to student protesters in Egypt or prayers to those impacted by earthquakes in Japan. I can touch the lives, for a moment, of people thousands of kilometres away from me with ease and while I do this I give no thought to the policies of their governments or the borders that divide us.

And that is what the future should be.

As shown by the amazing writers of Superman we should all strive to be more than citizens of France, Australia, Japan, England or the USA. We should strive to see ourselves as citizens of the world. Representatives of humanity. We are a greater force than one country, we are a united people who want a greater place for future generations.

We seek to be one, as shown by the increasing use of sites like Twitter which we use to communicate globally, not just to people in our backyard.

The hope for the future of this planet, and the people living on it, is that we can step outside our national interests and make global changes to improve this planet for the people that live here. Environmental change, and social change, to give future generations a more stable future not rocked by war.

Some folks will see the latest Superman to be an attack on Americana. A change that will sully his past, and ruin his future. But to me this comic is a dramatic and beautiful message that we can all be better people. We can all see beyond our own borders and do more for the world if we see the bigger picture.

This is a message that should go beyond the covers of this book, be placed on billboards around the world, as a sign that if this great American icon can see beyond the red, white and blue, we all have the power to do the same.

Lucky 13

Thirteen has always been my lucky number. Therefore, without jinxing it, I'm hoping 2013 will be my lucky year.

Because this is going to be my lucky year, I'm going to set myself some goals. Not new years resolutions, just things I'd like to do this year, things to work towards, things I'd like to achieve.

1. I'd like to not give up on this list at the end of the month, as I do.

I'm flighty. Very flighty. I get distracted and bored easily and let myself give up on things. This is the year of will power and getting past my willingness to give up easily.

2. Saving money.

It's always a thing I'd like to achieve, but this year I'm going to do it, come what may. In order to get Americo here in this country I need to have it. I have to pay off my personal loan, and get $5000 in the bank. I've budgeted it out and in theory I can get one of these done by the end of the year. If one of these two things is going to come first, it's going to be Americo. And so, saving. In two weeks I'll be at savings goal number one with a little help of my leave bonus. now to resist new shoes.

3. Fiance visa.

The "why they hell has it taken 6 years" visa. The "I don't know how you do it" visa. The "you guys are so patient" visa.

I don't have answers for you about the above things people say. But enough is enough. Our 6 year anniversary is in August, and hell or high water I will have enough in savings to apply for a visa by our 5 year anniversary. Sacrifices will be made.
HOLY FUCK I just realised our 6 year anniversary is in August. Excuse me while I try to figure out why it's taken this long.

4. Exercising.

I want to commit. I'm not good at it. Any slight distraction, flu, weekend, holiday, I give up. I want to do it this year. I want to be able to do pull-ups, and dips, and free lift weights. I want to be powerful.

There are other things I'd like to do. I'd like a new job, but on the flip side of that coin, I'd also like to achieve certain work things that I can't do if I change jobs. It's an idea that I've been struggling with since I was at an interview on Friday. I want to be able to leave my current position saying I achieved all the things I set out to do when I got the job 5 years ago. I haven't done all those things yet. I'm committed to making that happen. But on the other side of that coin, I'm exhausted. It's been a hard 5 years.

It's all a bit premature, the speculation, I don't even know if I have the job, I won't know for two weeks. Speculating seems to be very close to jinxing myself so I guess I should shut up.

I'm writing this all down to make myself accountable. Feel free to pressure or remind me on occasion, I could really use the help.

Oh Captain, My Captain

The nature of admiration and hero worship are an interesting thing. When we first come to admire someone, with me anyway, the hero worship is such that it prevents you from seeing the flaws in the person you admire. You place them on a pedestal, and you think every move they make, every decision they come to, is genius. You'd support them unquestioning no matter what and damn to hell anyone that doesn't agree with you, or your idol.

And then a time comes that you grow up. Or circumstances change. Your morals or values change. Your directions change. Your passions change. And the person you so admired no longer gels with the direction you're going in.

They've stayed the same, while you've changed. Or you've stayed the same, while they've changed. It doesn't really matter how it came about, but the person on the pedestal is suddenly real and fallible, and it's kind of a shock.

And it's kind of sad.

Or is it?

Is it just normal that as you grow up, learn, start to define who you are, that the idols you had in your youth no longer make sense. You find out that the Easter bunny isn't real, Elmo has a human hand up his ass, and sometimes even the best of people make mistakes.

You don't think Hillary should have forgiven Bill, but you still love Hillary for her strength of purpose, and courage, and ability to stand strong in a room full of men and you know she's kicking ass and holding her own.

You don't agree with Michelle's fat shaming of kids that are already getting bullied for their weight, but she's a strong, intelligent, passionate woman who doesn't shy away from saying what she thinks and so you continue to admire what she does for women.

With others though, perhaps the departure of values is so extensive, that it feels impossible to find that spark that caught your eye when you were young and impressional. You wonder about what you were thinking, were you just young and stupid, or have you changed so much?

It's like that moment when you realise that there's no fixing the precious teddy that has lived on your bed since the day you were born and you finally have to be a big kid and learn to sleep alone.

A hero falling from grace (in your own mind), much like your teddy ending up in the bin, is a moment of self-realisation where you take stock of yourself. Your changes. Your strengths and weaknesses.

And you hopefully come to realisation that admiring someone is wonderful, but hero worship is a thing of youth, and you no longer need to place someone on a pedestal from which they will inevitably fall.

Life

Life is an incredible gift, one I fear that not enough of us appreciate. I certainly don't think I do.

 We wake up, blindly struggle through the morning routine of shower, coffee, news, drive to work, and then slave away at at a job we hate before coming home to friends, family, pet, or the aloneness that we've created for ourselves. We make dinner and zone out in front of TV or the Internet, or a game, and don't really think about the world around us, or the stunning gift of our own bodies that allow us to follow this mindless routine day after day.

 Without you even thinking about it your body sustains your existence. It takes in air, oxygen, just by itself, it takes the nutrients out of food and turns them into the energy you need to function. it helps you learn that touching hot things is bad, and the freezing salt water is not fun to play in. It is capable of so much, and so many of us do nothing with it.

We don't test it, or train it, or help sustain it by treating it with kindness and respect.

 We feed it salt laden, sugar laden, fat laden, chemical laden, genetically modified foods that really couldn't be considered food by any sane person. I'm so guilty of this. Every meal I ate, for a whole week two weeks ago, was in some way processed. Refined white flour, processed fat reduced salami, cured prosciutto which is heavy with tasty tasty salt, processed cheese, meat from cows that were most certainly not raised ethically.

 And I guess the worst bit is that while we do it, poison our bodies, we don't really think about it. We enjoy food, as we should, because it's wonderful and sustains us, but we maybe shouldn't consume so much, and so many things that our poor bodies aren't designed to deal with.

I very much doubt that I'll stop eating pizza, or cake, and you'll have to pry my flat white from my cold dead hands, but I am going to try to be more aware of what I'm putting into my body.

I'm going to buy more regional fresh produce grown by people that don't cover things in chemicals. I'm going to buy free range meats so at least my steak had a good life before it became steak. I'm going to try eating fruits a d vegetables. And eating at a table concentrating on this wonderful fuel that is going to sustain me from day to day.

 We, society, have become sinfully indulgent in our constant search for happiness and gratification, and I'm terrible ashamed of how much I contribute to that description.

 Time to be more better at this thing called life.

 Onwards and upwards my friends, let us embrace being better people to prove humanity is not a lost cause.

 Ps. Just read this over, sorry about the typos and pretentious twaddle, it's been a very tiring confronting week.

May the road rise up to meet you

This amazing kid I know died today.

I didn't know him that well, didn't know what he liked for breakfast, or how he had his coffee, but he was my little brothers best friend since the age of, maybe 13, and so this kid was a presence in my life for the last 10 years.

And he was an amazing kid. He was smart, passionate, dedicated and kind. He was the kind of kid where, when you met him, you just knew he was destined to change the world. He was just that kind of amazing. He would laugh, and the world just seemed brighter, because he was so bright.

As they say, those that burn the brightest, burn the fastest, and so it was for Jerome.

The story of his final months is a sad one. You see, he just got married 3 weeks ago. He's been living with his girl for years, and they're incredibly committed to each other, but they only just got married 3 weeks ago. And the wedding was beautiful, his bride was stunning, he was happy, though he looked incredibly gaunt and had no energy and needed to sit down a lot.

Today, and yesterday, before he passed away, the cancer had effected his memory and he didn't remember his marriage. He remembered things from years ago, but not his marriage or his bride.

I can't even imagine her heartbreak. Not just losing her husband and partner mere weeks after their wedding, but losing his emotionally due to his memory before losing him to death. The emotional toll of that moment where he didn't remember her must have been so shattering. To lose someone so bright and vibrant in itself, without everything else surrounding it, would be hard but to lose him like this...it breaks my heart to think of her hurt, and my brothers hurt, and his families hurt, and all his friends who loved him like family.

We all deserve a chance to live a beautiful life full of love, and Jerome fit more love in his short life that many would in 80 or 90 years.

Hug someone you love today. Tell them you love them. Live life in a way that not just makes sure that people remember you, but they remember you with love, and talk about your passion and kindness, and how you changed their life.

May you shine as brightly in whatever comes next as you did in life, Jerome, you lit up every room you walked into.

Time Travel

For me, music is memory. I hear a certain song and it takes me to a time, a place, a moment that is special to me.

I hear Rossini's William Tell Overture and I'm at my fathers old house, listening to a crackling fire, drinking hot, sweet, milky tea, and listening to dad read me and Yolande the Hobbit with all the voices.

I hear Peter Paul and Mary and I'm on one of hundreds of long car trips with mum and Davy going to Melbourne, or Sydney, or Brisbane, or driving across America listening to Davy sing along to every song.

Because of this attachment to music, which I'm sure is genetic, the gift that Americo got me for Christmas this year is probably the best gift I've ever been given. He made me a mix tape. Of all the songs that are "us". Our Rockband favourites, the ones that we'd hear in the car when we were driving around San Francisco or from Sydney to Canberra after a long plane flight, or the ones that just remind us of each other. Every moment of our four and a half years together, all on one USB drive.

I went for a long drive today and listened to all the song and it was like he wasn't 12,000km away, it was like he was in the car with me. I could smell the Cool Water and feel his hand on my leg and every song was perfect.

And since they're all in my head, a list, and some of my favourite memories:

Hey there Delilah - Plain White Tee's
It was probably near midnight on a Sunday night and I'd been called into work to do some testing. And the road was empty and it was cold and this song came on the radio and it just reminded me of him. We didn't know where we were going, friends, something more, was it too soon after my divorce, was the long distance too tough, but in that moment, listening to that song, I thought of nothing but him. And that was that, all the questions were irrelevant, we'd make it work.

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Just one of those songs, it was probably the lyrics, but we just loved it. The lyrics reminded him of me. And it just become special over time.

California Love - Dr Dre Tupak 
Obviously.

Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry 
So ridiculous. For a week on my first trip to San Francisco he had this song stuck in his head and had no idea what it was or who did it. Then we were in a winery in Napa and they were playing it in the background and we were both singing along with it trying to remember the name of the song. It was a great moment.

Sweet Child O'Mine - Guns'N'Roses
Once upon a time I was telling Americo about a crush I had when I was 14. This crush, wannabe poet and bad boy, gave me a love note once that was the lyrics to Sweet Child and Americo thought that was pretty pathetic. And so, he rewrote Sweet Child with new lyrics, just for me. It's somewhere in my house on a piece of paper, but I can't find it.

I'm Afraid of Americans - Bowie
Ha!

Piano Man - Billy Joel
Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
Superstition - Stevie Wonder 
ABC - Jackson 5
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
our favourite Rockband songs. Some mornings when I was in SF we would wake up, before even coffee, and start playing, singing our throats sore.

Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons
Every time we got in a car in San Francisco EVERY TIME this song was on the radio. And we'd sing along like idiots.

New York Minute - The Eagles
From the West Wing episode Somebodies Going to Emergency, Somebodies Going to Jail, one of my favourite episodes of my favourite show. We've watched it together a few times, and watched it apart a few times. Just this Christmas I started watching it, and was a couple of episodes into season 1, and then he decided he wanted to watch it too. So I spent whole days half watching where I was up to, and more time listening to the episode he was watching. And we'd talk about politics, and the characters, and science, and language and just talk for hours. About everything. And it was perfect. He's my Toby, my amazing writer.

Land Down Under - Men at Work
He taunts me with this song. Constantly.

And dozens and dozens of other songs that were moments of our lives that are precious and wonderful and just make me love him so much that he would sit down and think of these songs that mean so much to us.

Thank you, love, it means so much that you know me "us" so well. And that you know me so well that you knew I'd love this.

Now every time I get into the car instead of listening to a shitty radio show with sexist hosts and bad music I get to remember all the great moments we've had together. And I'll probably be far less cranky at work.

I am mine

I turn 33 tomorrow. It's nothing spectacular, it's not a land mark, it's really just another day in which I grow older, and I hope, wiser.

Since I celebrated my last birthday my life has been pretty fucking good.

On my 32nd birthday, for the first time in our three year relationship, my fiance and I celebrated my birthday together. We spent 3 months living together in the same house, and it was pretty good.

I got an incredible promotion, which was recognition for two years of hard work and for years of public service, which I'm incredibly proud of.

And I got to take long service leave, a reward for my eight and a half years of serving the public. I got to spend three months living in San Francisco, experiencing a whole other life of pleasure, relaxation, and getting to know the life my fiance lives.

The greatest thing I've gotten out of the last 12 months, though, is the sense of self that I've been trying to develop over the years since my separation and divorce. And I've decided I'm pretty awesome, and more than that, I can say "I am mine" with delight and pride.

I am strong. I am self aware. I am me.