It's been almost exactly a month, so I guess it's just possible that the magic red pills are working. Or it could be that I've taken various steps to take control of my life.
I'm down to one job. I loved my second job, it was passion, and idealism, and all the things I want government service to be, so unlike my day job, but when you feel like you're under a blanket of anxiety and you can't breathe, something had to give. I guess it made a lot of sense to have more time in the afternoons to learn to be the confident, self assured me again.
The extra time has allowed me to focus on my family. There are issues. Ones I can't even begin to write down because I don't even want to take my brain to that place right now. It's tough being a good sister, aunt, daughter, in a family plagued by mental illness. Two highly unstable personalities in one family, rough. Two highly unstable personalities disagreeing with each other...rough isn't enough of a world. Atomic? Explosive? Not enough. But, the family thing comes with this...
Being auntie to my sweet little monkey makes the bags under my eyes worth it.
She's part of the reason I'm taking care of me. I want to be around for her, do things for her, be the awesome cool auntie for a long time. I want to spoil her with the best birthday presents, and that means learning to manage my time, my stress and my money.
So, I got a loan and paid out my visa. And closed the account. I'm performing without a net. Like a lot of folks my age I have a minor debt problem. Not a huge one, it's one card, no loans, no store cards, no mortgage, just the one visa, but it stresses me out and I know I can't manage to pay it off if I keep using it. So it's gone. Which also stresses me out, because I have to learn to use a budget, not native to my personality, but let's see how we go.
I've never allowed myself to be in a position where I don't have enough to eat, or can't pay my bills, and when I've needed to I've managed to be very good with money. This is one of those times. Planning meals, doing proper grocery shopping, eating healthy and smart, all these things are things that people learn to do at some point in their life, and I guess now is when I learn.
I have a goal to pay off the loan in a year. I think I can do it. It's a 3 year loan, I pay it off in 18 months I save $1200. I pay it off in a year I save over $1600. If I manage to pay it off in a year, while still saving money, I'm rewarding myself with 8 weeks holiday to San Francisco for Christmas 2013. And a new visa, but with a way lower limit. And hopefully by that point I'll have learned to manage money well enough to not end up in this place again. And all things going to plan I'll pay for the tickets and everything with real cashy money and not credit.
oh and I kicked ass at the gym today. I hit 5.5 speed on the treadmill, I got it up to level 8, I did 30 minutes, then 15 on the cycle, then another 15 on the treadmill just because I felt like I could.
I'm proud of me. If feels good to push my body. To let go of my mind and just push myself up that incline. I like feeling like I can do things. Like I'm achieving things. Control and stuff. Things adults do.
oh and I've finished 97% of Lego Batman 2 and squeeeeed like a small child when I got presents in the mail, so you know, not totally an adult.
Progress, I likes it.
I find being an Aunt very motivating too. I want to keep up with my nieces and it's hard to do when your knees don't want to cooperate. I also recently stopped using credit cards and have a 4 year plan to be debt free. It is a big adjustment as I have lived beyond my means for many years.Giving away money to interest and fees sucks! A good side effect is that I can't impulse buy junk food on the way home from work anymore. A plus for my overburdened body!
ReplyDeleteI think your plan is a good one and I wish you the best of luck in achieving your goals.