Tiny tiny little pills that have caused a big big argument in my brain.
I started taking a 25mg dose of these pills just over a year ago to help me cope with mild anxiety and pretty chronic insomnia. Two months and no extra sleep later I was up to a 50mg dose of the magic Christmas pills, and I was finally getting some sleep, and some calm, which was kind of pretty awesome. I was still getting down days, and angry days, but mostly I was doing ok-ish. Not ok, but ok-ish.
And now, here we are, the new pills. 75mg dose. The point of no return. The "it's not just helping you sleep anymore" pills. The "you're one pill away from totally loony" pills.
And the thing in my head is, is taking these me being weak, because I'm not coping, or is this me being strong because I know me well enough to know I'm not coping and I need help.
I'm kinda really mad at myself that I'm even considering this a sign of weakness. I've lived with mental illness all my life. My sister has it, my father has it, I have it. I know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, I know that, I really really do. But the thing is, I'm the good one. I'm the strong one. I'm the one that had a career, and a nice house, and all the good toys. I'm the one that does the right thing, and spends all day in hospital if you've had an accident, I'm reliable.
And in my head, because my sister is none of things, because of her illness, taking these pills makes me unreliable. Like her.
I know, I know, I'm not her, I'm nothing like her, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself of that, I can't make it stick.
But still, I followed the white rabbit, I took the red pill, let's see what's on the other side of the Matrix...
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You are unbelievable strong and brave in not only recognising and accepting help (whatever that comes in the forms of) but in talking about it so honestly.
ReplyDeleteYou're right that you're nothing like your sister and you never will be.
I love you and as cliched, or even patronising, as it might sound I'm proud of you. xxx
Having to take pills in order to make you feel better neither makes you crazy nor weak. Going without when you need them is way crazier and would actually make you weaker (voice of experience and all that; I don't like taking pills, but they make leading a "normal" life possible)
ReplyDeleteNot liking indian food, now that's crazy talk. Though you do like coffee, so I guess I'll give you a pass and call you eccentric instead.
I'm with Amanda - the bravest part of the whole thing is your willingness to TALK about it. Mental illness has some very unfair stereotypes attached to them, but you are literally busting the shit out of them all. You are gainfully employed in a specialized job that not many could do --- and you excel at it. You are in charge of your life, your finances, your health, and your mind. You are in a fully committed, loving relationship with the man of your dreams. You treat each other with love and respect, and it's evident to all who are in any kind of contact with the two of you.
ReplyDeleteIf the 75mg pills work, they work. They don't make you weak. They help you be a better YOU. Period.
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