my mother divorced my dad and married Davy.
What I remember from being that young, was living on a farm and listening to my dad and Davy singing in a band together. Their music was beautiful. I remember sometimes being at concerts of theirs in dark smokey rooms and falling asleep to them singing.
As I got older I, like any child, idolised my "real" dad and clashed heads with my step father. I tried a few times, the old "YOU'RE NOT MY DAD" line, as step kids do, though never to the extent that my sister did. She really hated Davy, though maybe not really as much as she thought she did, mental illness being the curse it is.
Not too far into my foray into the nightmare that is high school, Davy died.
It was the middle of the night when mum woke me to say Davy was being taken to hospital in the ambulance. She asked if I wanted to come and I didn't cos I had school in the morning and I hated the idea of hospital.
The next morning Davy died.
I don't remember our last conversation, I'm sure it was something about not leaving the table before I finished my dinner.
What I remember now is fondness. Love. Never the hate I thought I felt.
I remember him helping with homework. How awesome he was with my baby brother. How much my mum loved him. How amazing it was that we got to live in the US because of his work. Endless Sunday's down at the lake while he sailed model boats, because he could never have sailed on a real boat because his legs were damaged by polio.
I remember with love. And I hope he knows, regardless of my petulant childish behaviour that I loved him dearly. He was truly the father I always deserved, with the love, care, support, and commitment that my sister and I never got from my birth father. Davy was *there* every day. As a kid you underestimate what that means in your life and your future.
What I think about now is what his life would have been if he lived. What my mums life would have been. What would my baby brother be if Davy had lived, given how much he's achieved without the guidance of his father. He followed his father into engineering, would that still have been his choice if he hadn't lost his father so young?
Would my mum have stayed home for longer if she'd had the choice? Would she have wanted to move to the country if Davy had lived to retire with her, or would they have stayed in the city because of his legs.
And what of my life? Without the instability after Davy's death would my sister have gotten so violent, and would they have made a joint decision to send me away to protect me from her, or would I have stayed at home, in school. Would I have finished college. Gotten a degree in architecture or law like I always planned.
Would I have made so many mistakes with the men in my life if I'd had that stable male influence to temper the instability of my own father.
Would he have walked me down the aisle. I hope so. I would have wanted him to.
I think, considering everything, Davy's influence had extended beyond his own life.
His son is so amazing. I'm so proud of this kid. He walked me down the aisle with composure his dad would have been so proud of.
He's a mechanical engineer working on changing the world. He's climbed to Annapurna Base Camp. Right now he's motorcycling around Tasmania. In snow. He's a cyclist. Like in a serious sense of riding 40km for fun. He has incredible friends, he loves his family, and he's respected in his job. He is everything a father would want his son to be.
Despite a rocky start Davy would be proud of me too. My successful career and the fact I'm respected in my field. Not the many achievements and talents that my baby bro has, but I, at least, still earn more than the little punk.
He would love that mum has a good life, her property, her craft groups and friends.
We've all gone on, lived our lives, they're good lives, but they're lives that would have been made richer, fuller, more special had he been in them.
I hope, whatever is after this life, he knows how much he's missed and what an amazing legacy he left.
This is the song Davy sung for my mum at their wedding.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11375048/16%20Six%20Ribbons.mp3
You're amazing.
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