This time last year I was packing for a 3 month trip to San Francisco. I was winding down at work, getting my new assistant ready to be hurled in the deep end, and stressing more than a little about what it would be like to not work, not have responsibilities for 3 months. And oh lord I was anxious about how I'd fit in with Americo's family.
As this blog will attest, it was an amazing trip. Looking back on the photos, and the occasional real post, is a reminder that I had the trip of a lifetime. I met amazing people, spent a grand amount of time with my dear friend Amanda, had a Thanksgiving of a lifetime with a wonderful caring family that have inspired me for many years, and I got to wake up with Americo every day. And not like we do here, with my alarm going off at 6.20, but with knowing that for the most part we don't have to do anything but what we want.
There is nothing quite like that joy of knowing that you get 3 months of paid play time with someone you love.
A year later, and it feels like loneliness has taken over my life. I live in a mild despair that I don't know when the next trip is. For him or me. We don't know when we'll see each other next and it's a constant pain in my mind, a constant hurt that I can't fix.
It's turning me in a cold bitch and more than occasionally a sobbing mess.
And I don't know how to fix it.
And so, the temptation to take this blog down is huge. The photos are a painful reminder now, of when things weren't so tough and I was full of hope about what 2011 would bring. 2012 looms large on the horizon, and it doesn't feel like hope it brings with it. It feels like it is bringing more loneliness and depression, with only a sprinkling of "your time will come".
I wish I could find it in me to cope better with this, but as it turns out, I'm kind of bad at coping.
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