F.I.N.E

I've been using the word fine a lot lately. When I say it, I mean it like this. 

I am fucked up. 

I am insecure. 

I am most definitely neurotic. 

And I take emotional to a whole new level. 

I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I cried watching Ricky Martin give someone feedback on The Voice Australia the other day, if that gives you some perspective about my emotional state. 

When I think about it I know it's with good reason. 

Yesterday I did a timeline mapped out of various things that have happened to me in the last three years. Things that have caused me to be F.I.N.E. 

It was, when written down, an eyeopening list of  things that taken one at a time might be ok, but when considered as a three year pattern is quite upsetting. 

Writing it down I wondered how I've managed to get myself from them to now at all. I wondered how I haven't broken. And then I considered that maybe I did get broken, and then got fixed. 

Since the first thing that happened three years ago I've started taking medication to manage my anxiety and depression. Mostly it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe that's the glue that's holding me together. The thing that lets me sleep, and therefore function. I wonder where I'd be right now if I hadn't finally pulled myself together enough to ask for help from my doctor. 

I also wonder where I'd be if these things hadn't happened to me at all. Would my career have progressed faster? Would I be stronger and more stable if these things hadn't impacted my daily emotional stability? Would I be better at managing money and my life if I wasn't feeling so unstable all the time?

How much has what was said and done to me has impacted me more than I've even considered?

What is the long term impact of casually cruel words when delivered by someone who has a great deal of influence on your future?

I wonder how long it's going to be until I'm fine again, and can mean it when I say it, instead of translating it into Donald Sutherland in my head.